Happy New, Reduced-Guilt Year

As I sit, drinking my coffee and eating my toast, fingernails coated with this morning's glittery play-doh, mind racing about what I need to get done today, tomorrow, in the next ten years, and catching up on Facebook, I read something that resonated with me enough to put it to the top of my "I don't make goals" goals list. STOP FEELING SO GUILTY ALL THE TIME. It's a good one for me.

I'm one of those people who feels guilty about EVERYTHING. I stress over every bite I eat, every mile that I do or don't run, over.every.dollar. that I do or don't have or that I spend. And, oh, the Mother's Guilt. The god.damned.mother's.guilt - every choice, every word, every gift, every moment of discipline, every minute I spend away, every time one has a fit - the guilt. Oh, the guilt.

Guys. I've got a bad case of the guilt.

So, in conjunction with drinking less wine and more water, figuring out my financials, gracefully navigating my new and potentially crazy-making schedule, killing shitfuckers with kindness, and something gym-related that doesn't have to be gym-related, I add: "don't be so hard on yourself" to this long list.

I think I need a drink!

Goals

On the one hand, I don't typically think of myself as a "goal-oriented" person. I don't plan out my life long-term, you can refer to my student loan balance as evidence for that, and I don't think about who/what/where I will be in x number of years. On the other hand, it always helps me if I set short-term goals. For example, I exercise. I value it's results on my figure and my health, and I know it's important for my kids to see me exercise and to join along for their current and future health as well. However, it's BORRRIINNNGGG. Not at first, right? But, after a few months or years of doing the same thing it get's tedious and, therefore, less effective. Bad break-ups used to fire me up for some good exercising. But since it looks like this marriage thing is going to last a while, I need other fuel. Music is awesome, but, like a fun exercise, wears itself out after a while. So, over the summer I decided to go for little goals. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 23 pounds. I've kept it off for quite a few months now. I ran a half marathon and continue to run short distances (1-3 miles) several times a week and lift weights. I made and met the following goals at the gym: lose weight; get to under 20% body fat (though I'm pretty sure I've creeped back up above that since school and work are back in session); and I've increased my pace per mile by over a minute! I've tried TRX, Spin, Swimming and I do Body Pump 2-4 times a week (4 was when I was on summer break). I do interval training, switch it up from running the treadmill to running the stairs or doing jump rope. But, I'm still bored. I'm looking for a new goal, but I'm stumped!!

I wouldn't think it should be this hard to think of something that would motivate me to do something more (better, faster, farther, newer, etc.). It doesn't have to be gym related. I guess I'm working on my career a ton, though. I'm going to graduate in the spring (read my lips!!), I've got some work probably lined up for after. I have a few "new year's resolutions". I'll quote them from where I wrote them before:

"One is to drink less wine. well, less frequently. I drink a glass or two most nights, but I'd like to scale that back to one or two nights a week. In combination with this goal I'd like to get and stay hydrated. I'm terrible with water and I think that I would feel better if I was hydrated.

On a more global level, I'd like to manage the new year's schedule with grace and really enjoy all that I'm doing. It's my last semester, and I have seminar one night a week, internship (as a therapist) one very full day and one half day a week, a class one evening a week, a research position I'll be paid for, which I *think* can be worked on during client days when i'm not with clients, blog writing and I'm getting a job *hopefully* two days a week as a child and family therapist. Then there's, ya know...my family and marriage and food and exercise needs to consider. So my goal is to handle that stress gracefully. I think that the first two goals will help me handle this one.

Another goal is to continue to lead with my values and with my best, professional and kind voice when dealing with shitfuckers. Kill em with kindness is my (attempted) new motto. I've learned a LOT this past month about how doing the right thing can feel awful. I never learned that before, because when stuff felt bad I'd always do something else, or do something worse to validate the bad feelings with guilt. It's been a victorious month for me, chalk full of internal sorrow and loss. BUT I've done the right thing and can say I'm proud for that.

My fiscal goal is to figure out my fiscals. With my income changing sources (from loans to bona fide work) I need to learn what my family's budget is, and work to make the money flow in more than out."

Man. I say "I" a lot. Maybe I should make it a goal to think less about myself and more about others? What do you think? What motivates you?

But... for the record, I'm not a "goal oriented" person. Please, commence with the uber dramatic eye rolling. Thank you.

Doing a Little Resuscitation

As I sit here, literally taking typing breaks to eat spoonfuls of Trader Joe's Mint Chocolate Chip Crack Ice Cream, I struggle to figure out what to write. It's been over a year since I posted last. In that year, a helluvalot has happened. I mean... obviously. 12+ months will do that to a person, ya know? But none of that's very interesting. My kids were cute and have gotten cuter, they have said some pretty funny shit - but I post all that stuff on Facebook so by the time it would get here EVERYONE would already know. I'm now a "Child Development Specialist" and am a child and family therapist, so, I could tell you what you're doing wrong and how much better you could be if you do what I say. But, I do that all day so that'd be tedious and "same ole same ole" for me, so, you know. (Yes, I'm joking). Let's see, what else? I cook, but I use recipes from other people's blogs, and I hear plagiarism is kind of a bad thing. I work out (boring), I have family (ok!!) including a new baby nephew (yaaay!!! and, awwww), and have some pre-tty amazing friends (whaddaup, yo's!) and they do some pretty amazing shiz. Like decorating my house (it's all about me!! So selfish - but so PRETTY.) I just can't get it together on what this blog should "be about". I dunno. I just dunno.

Now that the crack ice cream is safely back in the freezer, I've decided that I will not be writing a blog about ONE thing! No, no no no... I'm much too complex of a human being to allow myself to be pigeon-holed! Nope, so, in honor of my complexity, and my penchant for using "so" and "..." and random, clause-filled, nonsensical subject changes - I have decided that I will write about ALL of the things.

Stay tuned.

A friend in need is a friend in deed...

Such is life... such is me.  I am in need, and so I write.  It's been for-ever.  But, I guess that's the trick of the "good blogger"... having something to say (that people want to read) on a regular basis.  I just don't feel that I do.  But, I digress.  Today's post is utterly selfish.  I want a MAKEOVER!!!

Nicole Balch, an Oak Parker (eh?), an entrepreneur/ home decorator-extraordinaire - and one of my absolute favorite bloggers (Making it Lovely) - is hosting a contest in partnership with American Express to give away lots-o-lots-o points to spend AND a design plan for a "social space" make over.  And, I have THE SPACE for this project!!  She'd design it, and I'd spend the 150,000 points making it happen!!!  Come ooonnnnnnnn lucky 7's!  Or whatever.

I'd love to make-over my "family room"/"kids playroom"/"space with no real purpose" in the basement.  We spend a lot of time there, as it's filled with colorful and loud kids toys, but it's not exactly a "family" room - they own the whole damned basement!  Those little rascals.  The ideal set up for the basement would have logical and definite boundaries between spaces.  *cough* and, no wood paneling *cough*.  There are three spaces right now, but they all blend and intrude on each other's spaces.  Well, the "adult" side - where we parents are allowed our 1 - 2 hours of weekly movie viewing over pizza (eaten on the kids' picnic table) is run over with kids crap toys.  We wouldn't dare intrude on their playroom.  G*d forbid.  That's obvious space #2, the play room.  I like it now, foam mats all over, toys and a wall of gates/couches to indicate where the playroom (should) begin and the rest of the family room begins.  However, toys are everywhere.  At least I know where to put all of them away.  Right?

Then, there's the "whatever you call it" space that is off-center, but basically a thorofare to the "TV room" and "playrooms" and has two pieces of beautiful, antique wood furniture that basically blend into our hideous wood paneling.  *so help me G*d, if I ever met the inventor of the Brady Bunch wood paneling, I'd give him/her a scowl and a "hmpf" and leave their presence all bewildered and out of breath!* Gads.  It's awful.

So, since we spend so much time playing and hanging out in this space, I'd really REALLY love to have it look awesome!!!  So.... Nicole!  Ms. Balch.  Awesome blogstress... PLEASE consider my "family room"/"kids playroom"/"space with no real purpose" as the most worthy of the AE/ MiL makeover!!!  Photos, you ask?  Well... prepare to be blown away!

 Stairwell to the right, laundry straight ahead

 Space with no purpose

 Between space with no purpose and play room - "baby side"

 "Toddler side" of the playroom

"Adult corner"

We don't want to "kick the kids out" of the "Adult Corner" per se... but with our whole lives focused on the raising of these two little beauties, we'd like to have some boundaries and space to call our own...

Wish us luck!!!

If you have nothing nice to say...

In case you were wondering why I haven't written... that's why.  I just haven't had anything positive to add to the world of verbs.  I've been in a funk, like I said before... and it has been a pretty grumpy funk.  I'm still in that funk (I like saying that word... funk.  Funk.  Funkfunkfunkfunk.), but now I have more to say about it than I have in a while, I guess.  Maybe I'm processing.  I dunno.  Or moving forward?

More or less, it boils down to boredom.  I'm ready to do... something.  My baby is nearing a year old, which means that soon she'll be weaned.  Hopefully hubbs and I can go somewhere for a night or two to catch up on some alone time and, well... *blush*... you know... SLEEP.  I've been either pregnant or nursing since Christmas 07.  That's, like, almost three years I've had a little person attached to my body.  That is a beautiful thing, but it kinda means I've been tethered to my house for that long.  In fact, the only night away I spent from my almost three-year-old was when I delivered my almost one-year-old.  I am absolutely ready for some adult time where I can stay up past 10pm and, as I said... SLEEP - all night through, and in past 6am.  I really really REALLY love my kids, but I need a part of my life to not include their needs.

Boredom, to me, means that I need to have some fun, and find something for me that's just my own - a challenge, I suppose.  Thanks to Shannon, I decided that maybe a few goals would be a good way to proceed.  That way, I could see my goal and chart my progress.  My long term goal is another grad degree - that's decided.  I also need something tangible, a goal that I can reach soon and that helps me feel better and more alive.  So, I decided that I wanted to run the Chicago Half Marathon this year, September 11th.  I 2006, I attempted to train and run the Chicago FULL Marathon.  I all but broke my body doing so.  I seriously injured my right hip flexor, caused painful shin splints and was out of the race (or should have been) about half-way through the program.  The longest run I did was 16 miles.  You'd have thunk that someone who had to stop training half way through the summer would not try to run the marathon anyways.  You would think.  But, I did try.  I made it to mile 13 before I about collapsed.  I didn't run again for two years, and then only a little bit.  Now - I'm on a mission.  I failed once.  But, I've reset my goals so something more reasonable (at least to start) and I'm going to finish.  I. Will. Do. It.  It's going to be hard... but I need that hard something fierce.  To do something good for others while I do something good for myself, I decided to train with the Team to End AIDS and raise money for those living with HIV/AIDS in Chicago.  The money goes to practical needs, like housing and medical expenses. If you'd like to donate, click here

Now to figure out how to have some FUN.  I'm tired of the routine and only the routine.  It's making me grumpy.  Just ask my husband.  I don't want to resent my family for being my only realm, if that's the right word,  because I have to work work work and go to bed.  I want to enjoy  life outside of kids and the home, too.  Even if I don't leave the house, if you know what I mean.

What do you do for fun?  Help me round out my need wheel and find out something fun to do... suggestions!?

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis: any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.


Etc. *Sigh*

I've been in such a bitchy mood lately.  And I've been thinking a lot about why.  You know, in order to snap out of it.  Likely story.  You see, I'm a dweller, and dwellers don't typically "snap out" well.  I'm trying, though.  And, to aid in that "try", I'm going to confess: I don't deal well with change.  And, changes - they are a'comin!

I've decided to go back to school in the Fall.  I've been doing a lot of thinking (mostly about money) and reading (mostly about student loan debt repayment) and I'm just so scared to take on MORE debt in this shitty economy.  Not that my debt load now is light, because it isn't, but it's less than it will be come 2013 when I graduate.  I should be able to get a job then, right?  With TWO masters degrees?  Right?  Right??  Me = marketable? Eh?  Yeah?  Eh?  I just don't feel that I'm qualified to help people right now.  I graduated and got my license (LSW) in 2008... then I had babies and I stayed home - in other words, I've spent two full years not practicing social work.  So, I kind of feel completely inadequate and in need of some further training.  Plus, I've changed what I want to focus on (then = helping people, now = helping pregnant women and babies) and feel I have no clinical experience nor education to work in that field, and I just don't want to go through "on the job training" if it even exists.

Anyways, this decision hasn't decided to sit well with me yet and I'm just all torn up inside.  "Money" tends to be a highly effective, anxiety-provoking, bitch awakening scapegoat for my mind, so that's where my worry sits - I read, I dwell, I read some more, I listen to horror stories about the USDoE garnishing wages and ruining my life.  In short, I worst-case-scenario the bajeezus out the situation and turn sullen and grumpy and, well I think you catch my drift.  Yes, it's true that I'll have a boat load more debt (literally, I could probably buy a snazzy boat with the money I'll spend), but really I think I'm scared of failing.  And scared of disappointing my family - myself, my husband, my kids, the -.  My kids.  I have kids, what the hell am I thinking?  How will this impact my kids?  I'm having anxiety about leaving my then-will-be 14 month old with... with whom???  Daycare?  A home nanny?  Family?  Ummm....???  Also having worries about where to send my toddler to preschool since she doesn't meet the age cut-off for public school preschool. I'm worried about how she'll handle it (because she didn't handle daycare well AT.ALL).  I mean, in the Fall I can't just go and get her and say to hell with daycare!  We'll play together by ourselves! I'll have a very expensive commitment! When/where will I study, how will the house get clean, what will we eat, will I ever get to exercise, will I forget what my husband looks like!?!?  I mean, what if I can't do it?  What if I fail?

I'd like to start and finish this paragraph with the solution I've come up with - the closure, the wrap-up... the moment of enlightenment.  But, I just don't have anything close to those things.  I'm going to school in the fall.  I'm just afraid that I'm making the wrong decision.  Blerg.

Kitchen

I don't have a lot of exciting stuff going on this week (gasp!), so I thought I'd write a bit about what's going on in my kitchen!  I love food blogs.  Loooove them.  I also love cookbooks.  Looooove them, too (and am in the market for some new ones so feel free to dish on your faves or fails).  They are so awesome because they exist so I don't have to create my own food ideas!  I'm an awesome cook - meaning, I can follow a recipe like nobody's business.

Every Friday or Saturday, I sit down with my cookbooks and computer and "research" what I want to make for the week.  So I can go to the grocery store with a plan.  I have a few weekly requirements:

• I will not make the same meal for two weeks in a row, no matter how much my husband likes it and begs for it.  No matter!  
• At least two meals have to be vegetarian.  With vegetables in them.  It helps me to make sure my family and I get proper nutrition.
• All dinners must have at least one side veggie item or have lots of veggies in them (if it's a casserole, for example).
• Three of the four meals must be relatively "quick fix" since dinner making hour is "mad dash" hour in my house.  
• One pasta dish per week maximum.
• I try to make enough so there are lunch left overs for me and the hubbster.  Sine my toddler basically doesn't eat, I don't worry about her leftovers. 
• Speaking of toddler, I try very hard to make meals "toddler friendly," (but she doesn't eat them anyway, so... "pfffttthhh" to her)  
• Make foods that don't upset my husbands abundant food allergies.  

I think that's it for my requirements.  I typically don't cook a ton of ethnic foods, partially because I'm not sure how they taste and partially because who needs a bunch of random ethnic spices in my tiny spice space in my cabinet that I'm not going to use but once a year.  I would like to cook more Indian food, because I loved it when I ate a ton of it in the UK for the year I lived there, but I'm kind of afraid to try.  I also don't cook fish hardly ever, which is also something I'd like to change within the next few months.  

This week, I decided to make the following: 

Monday: Cheeseburgers on whole wheat buns, with Cheddar Cauliflower and potato chips (my toppings were mayo, mustard, ketchup, lettuce, tomato and pickles)

• Note: I think next time I might try to slide in some hidden veggies and see how that turns out.  Hubbs eats veggies, toddler doesn't eat anything, so it's not for the "hiding" factor, per se... but I always like to pack as much as I can get away with while trying to satisfy all of us.  These had onions, salt & pepper, Worcestershire, whole wheat bread crumbs and an egg.  I could probably mince some zucchini  or really grate the hell out of some carrots next time.  Hmmm....

Tuesday: Beans and cornbread (without the bacon, maybe.  Maybe.) with a cucumber salad

Wednesday: Grilled cheese on whole wheat bread, roasted red pepper and tomato soup and roasted broccoli

Thursday: Springy Shells (i.e. springy whole wheat penne)

Friday: Pizza night

Saturday: Leftovers

I'm excited for Springy Shells night.  I LOOVE The Pioneer Woman.  I don't cook her food that often, despite using her recipes twice this week, because they are often heavy in butter or creams or meat (yum, YUM YUM!!!), but I love the way she writes and her food is fantastic!

Okay, well I'm off to start my pot 'o' beans and play with my baby!