Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis: any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.


Etc. *Sigh*

I've been in such a bitchy mood lately.  And I've been thinking a lot about why.  You know, in order to snap out of it.  Likely story.  You see, I'm a dweller, and dwellers don't typically "snap out" well.  I'm trying, though.  And, to aid in that "try", I'm going to confess: I don't deal well with change.  And, changes - they are a'comin!

I've decided to go back to school in the Fall.  I've been doing a lot of thinking (mostly about money) and reading (mostly about student loan debt repayment) and I'm just so scared to take on MORE debt in this shitty economy.  Not that my debt load now is light, because it isn't, but it's less than it will be come 2013 when I graduate.  I should be able to get a job then, right?  With TWO masters degrees?  Right?  Right??  Me = marketable? Eh?  Yeah?  Eh?  I just don't feel that I'm qualified to help people right now.  I graduated and got my license (LSW) in 2008... then I had babies and I stayed home - in other words, I've spent two full years not practicing social work.  So, I kind of feel completely inadequate and in need of some further training.  Plus, I've changed what I want to focus on (then = helping people, now = helping pregnant women and babies) and feel I have no clinical experience nor education to work in that field, and I just don't want to go through "on the job training" if it even exists.

Anyways, this decision hasn't decided to sit well with me yet and I'm just all torn up inside.  "Money" tends to be a highly effective, anxiety-provoking, bitch awakening scapegoat for my mind, so that's where my worry sits - I read, I dwell, I read some more, I listen to horror stories about the USDoE garnishing wages and ruining my life.  In short, I worst-case-scenario the bajeezus out the situation and turn sullen and grumpy and, well I think you catch my drift.  Yes, it's true that I'll have a boat load more debt (literally, I could probably buy a snazzy boat with the money I'll spend), but really I think I'm scared of failing.  And scared of disappointing my family - myself, my husband, my kids, the -.  My kids.  I have kids, what the hell am I thinking?  How will this impact my kids?  I'm having anxiety about leaving my then-will-be 14 month old with... with whom???  Daycare?  A home nanny?  Family?  Ummm....???  Also having worries about where to send my toddler to preschool since she doesn't meet the age cut-off for public school preschool. I'm worried about how she'll handle it (because she didn't handle daycare well AT.ALL).  I mean, in the Fall I can't just go and get her and say to hell with daycare!  We'll play together by ourselves! I'll have a very expensive commitment! When/where will I study, how will the house get clean, what will we eat, will I ever get to exercise, will I forget what my husband looks like!?!?  I mean, what if I can't do it?  What if I fail?

I'd like to start and finish this paragraph with the solution I've come up with - the closure, the wrap-up... the moment of enlightenment.  But, I just don't have anything close to those things.  I'm going to school in the fall.  I'm just afraid that I'm making the wrong decision.  Blerg.