Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Goals

On the one hand, I don't typically think of myself as a "goal-oriented" person. I don't plan out my life long-term, you can refer to my student loan balance as evidence for that, and I don't think about who/what/where I will be in x number of years. On the other hand, it always helps me if I set short-term goals. For example, I exercise. I value it's results on my figure and my health, and I know it's important for my kids to see me exercise and to join along for their current and future health as well. However, it's BORRRIINNNGGG. Not at first, right? But, after a few months or years of doing the same thing it get's tedious and, therefore, less effective. Bad break-ups used to fire me up for some good exercising. But since it looks like this marriage thing is going to last a while, I need other fuel. Music is awesome, but, like a fun exercise, wears itself out after a while. So, over the summer I decided to go for little goals. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 23 pounds. I've kept it off for quite a few months now. I ran a half marathon and continue to run short distances (1-3 miles) several times a week and lift weights. I made and met the following goals at the gym: lose weight; get to under 20% body fat (though I'm pretty sure I've creeped back up above that since school and work are back in session); and I've increased my pace per mile by over a minute! I've tried TRX, Spin, Swimming and I do Body Pump 2-4 times a week (4 was when I was on summer break). I do interval training, switch it up from running the treadmill to running the stairs or doing jump rope. But, I'm still bored. I'm looking for a new goal, but I'm stumped!!

I wouldn't think it should be this hard to think of something that would motivate me to do something more (better, faster, farther, newer, etc.). It doesn't have to be gym related. I guess I'm working on my career a ton, though. I'm going to graduate in the spring (read my lips!!), I've got some work probably lined up for after. I have a few "new year's resolutions". I'll quote them from where I wrote them before:

"One is to drink less wine. well, less frequently. I drink a glass or two most nights, but I'd like to scale that back to one or two nights a week. In combination with this goal I'd like to get and stay hydrated. I'm terrible with water and I think that I would feel better if I was hydrated.

On a more global level, I'd like to manage the new year's schedule with grace and really enjoy all that I'm doing. It's my last semester, and I have seminar one night a week, internship (as a therapist) one very full day and one half day a week, a class one evening a week, a research position I'll be paid for, which I *think* can be worked on during client days when i'm not with clients, blog writing and I'm getting a job *hopefully* two days a week as a child and family therapist. Then there's, ya know...my family and marriage and food and exercise needs to consider. So my goal is to handle that stress gracefully. I think that the first two goals will help me handle this one.

Another goal is to continue to lead with my values and with my best, professional and kind voice when dealing with shitfuckers. Kill em with kindness is my (attempted) new motto. I've learned a LOT this past month about how doing the right thing can feel awful. I never learned that before, because when stuff felt bad I'd always do something else, or do something worse to validate the bad feelings with guilt. It's been a victorious month for me, chalk full of internal sorrow and loss. BUT I've done the right thing and can say I'm proud for that.

My fiscal goal is to figure out my fiscals. With my income changing sources (from loans to bona fide work) I need to learn what my family's budget is, and work to make the money flow in more than out."

Man. I say "I" a lot. Maybe I should make it a goal to think less about myself and more about others? What do you think? What motivates you?

But... for the record, I'm not a "goal oriented" person. Please, commence with the uber dramatic eye rolling. Thank you.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis: any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.


Etc. *Sigh*

I've been in such a bitchy mood lately.  And I've been thinking a lot about why.  You know, in order to snap out of it.  Likely story.  You see, I'm a dweller, and dwellers don't typically "snap out" well.  I'm trying, though.  And, to aid in that "try", I'm going to confess: I don't deal well with change.  And, changes - they are a'comin!

I've decided to go back to school in the Fall.  I've been doing a lot of thinking (mostly about money) and reading (mostly about student loan debt repayment) and I'm just so scared to take on MORE debt in this shitty economy.  Not that my debt load now is light, because it isn't, but it's less than it will be come 2013 when I graduate.  I should be able to get a job then, right?  With TWO masters degrees?  Right?  Right??  Me = marketable? Eh?  Yeah?  Eh?  I just don't feel that I'm qualified to help people right now.  I graduated and got my license (LSW) in 2008... then I had babies and I stayed home - in other words, I've spent two full years not practicing social work.  So, I kind of feel completely inadequate and in need of some further training.  Plus, I've changed what I want to focus on (then = helping people, now = helping pregnant women and babies) and feel I have no clinical experience nor education to work in that field, and I just don't want to go through "on the job training" if it even exists.

Anyways, this decision hasn't decided to sit well with me yet and I'm just all torn up inside.  "Money" tends to be a highly effective, anxiety-provoking, bitch awakening scapegoat for my mind, so that's where my worry sits - I read, I dwell, I read some more, I listen to horror stories about the USDoE garnishing wages and ruining my life.  In short, I worst-case-scenario the bajeezus out the situation and turn sullen and grumpy and, well I think you catch my drift.  Yes, it's true that I'll have a boat load more debt (literally, I could probably buy a snazzy boat with the money I'll spend), but really I think I'm scared of failing.  And scared of disappointing my family - myself, my husband, my kids, the -.  My kids.  I have kids, what the hell am I thinking?  How will this impact my kids?  I'm having anxiety about leaving my then-will-be 14 month old with... with whom???  Daycare?  A home nanny?  Family?  Ummm....???  Also having worries about where to send my toddler to preschool since she doesn't meet the age cut-off for public school preschool. I'm worried about how she'll handle it (because she didn't handle daycare well AT.ALL).  I mean, in the Fall I can't just go and get her and say to hell with daycare!  We'll play together by ourselves! I'll have a very expensive commitment! When/where will I study, how will the house get clean, what will we eat, will I ever get to exercise, will I forget what my husband looks like!?!?  I mean, what if I can't do it?  What if I fail?

I'd like to start and finish this paragraph with the solution I've come up with - the closure, the wrap-up... the moment of enlightenment.  But, I just don't have anything close to those things.  I'm going to school in the fall.  I'm just afraid that I'm making the wrong decision.  Blerg.