Goals

On the one hand, I don't typically think of myself as a "goal-oriented" person. I don't plan out my life long-term, you can refer to my student loan balance as evidence for that, and I don't think about who/what/where I will be in x number of years. On the other hand, it always helps me if I set short-term goals. For example, I exercise. I value it's results on my figure and my health, and I know it's important for my kids to see me exercise and to join along for their current and future health as well. However, it's BORRRIINNNGGG. Not at first, right? But, after a few months or years of doing the same thing it get's tedious and, therefore, less effective. Bad break-ups used to fire me up for some good exercising. But since it looks like this marriage thing is going to last a while, I need other fuel. Music is awesome, but, like a fun exercise, wears itself out after a while. So, over the summer I decided to go for little goals. I joined Weight Watchers and lost 23 pounds. I've kept it off for quite a few months now. I ran a half marathon and continue to run short distances (1-3 miles) several times a week and lift weights. I made and met the following goals at the gym: lose weight; get to under 20% body fat (though I'm pretty sure I've creeped back up above that since school and work are back in session); and I've increased my pace per mile by over a minute! I've tried TRX, Spin, Swimming and I do Body Pump 2-4 times a week (4 was when I was on summer break). I do interval training, switch it up from running the treadmill to running the stairs or doing jump rope. But, I'm still bored. I'm looking for a new goal, but I'm stumped!!

I wouldn't think it should be this hard to think of something that would motivate me to do something more (better, faster, farther, newer, etc.). It doesn't have to be gym related. I guess I'm working on my career a ton, though. I'm going to graduate in the spring (read my lips!!), I've got some work probably lined up for after. I have a few "new year's resolutions". I'll quote them from where I wrote them before:

"One is to drink less wine. well, less frequently. I drink a glass or two most nights, but I'd like to scale that back to one or two nights a week. In combination with this goal I'd like to get and stay hydrated. I'm terrible with water and I think that I would feel better if I was hydrated.

On a more global level, I'd like to manage the new year's schedule with grace and really enjoy all that I'm doing. It's my last semester, and I have seminar one night a week, internship (as a therapist) one very full day and one half day a week, a class one evening a week, a research position I'll be paid for, which I *think* can be worked on during client days when i'm not with clients, blog writing and I'm getting a job *hopefully* two days a week as a child and family therapist. Then there's, ya know...my family and marriage and food and exercise needs to consider. So my goal is to handle that stress gracefully. I think that the first two goals will help me handle this one.

Another goal is to continue to lead with my values and with my best, professional and kind voice when dealing with shitfuckers. Kill em with kindness is my (attempted) new motto. I've learned a LOT this past month about how doing the right thing can feel awful. I never learned that before, because when stuff felt bad I'd always do something else, or do something worse to validate the bad feelings with guilt. It's been a victorious month for me, chalk full of internal sorrow and loss. BUT I've done the right thing and can say I'm proud for that.

My fiscal goal is to figure out my fiscals. With my income changing sources (from loans to bona fide work) I need to learn what my family's budget is, and work to make the money flow in more than out."

Man. I say "I" a lot. Maybe I should make it a goal to think less about myself and more about others? What do you think? What motivates you?

But... for the record, I'm not a "goal oriented" person. Please, commence with the uber dramatic eye rolling. Thank you.

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis: any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.


Etc. *Sigh*

I've been in such a bitchy mood lately.  And I've been thinking a lot about why.  You know, in order to snap out of it.  Likely story.  You see, I'm a dweller, and dwellers don't typically "snap out" well.  I'm trying, though.  And, to aid in that "try", I'm going to confess: I don't deal well with change.  And, changes - they are a'comin!

I've decided to go back to school in the Fall.  I've been doing a lot of thinking (mostly about money) and reading (mostly about student loan debt repayment) and I'm just so scared to take on MORE debt in this shitty economy.  Not that my debt load now is light, because it isn't, but it's less than it will be come 2013 when I graduate.  I should be able to get a job then, right?  With TWO masters degrees?  Right?  Right??  Me = marketable? Eh?  Yeah?  Eh?  I just don't feel that I'm qualified to help people right now.  I graduated and got my license (LSW) in 2008... then I had babies and I stayed home - in other words, I've spent two full years not practicing social work.  So, I kind of feel completely inadequate and in need of some further training.  Plus, I've changed what I want to focus on (then = helping people, now = helping pregnant women and babies) and feel I have no clinical experience nor education to work in that field, and I just don't want to go through "on the job training" if it even exists.

Anyways, this decision hasn't decided to sit well with me yet and I'm just all torn up inside.  "Money" tends to be a highly effective, anxiety-provoking, bitch awakening scapegoat for my mind, so that's where my worry sits - I read, I dwell, I read some more, I listen to horror stories about the USDoE garnishing wages and ruining my life.  In short, I worst-case-scenario the bajeezus out the situation and turn sullen and grumpy and, well I think you catch my drift.  Yes, it's true that I'll have a boat load more debt (literally, I could probably buy a snazzy boat with the money I'll spend), but really I think I'm scared of failing.  And scared of disappointing my family - myself, my husband, my kids, the -.  My kids.  I have kids, what the hell am I thinking?  How will this impact my kids?  I'm having anxiety about leaving my then-will-be 14 month old with... with whom???  Daycare?  A home nanny?  Family?  Ummm....???  Also having worries about where to send my toddler to preschool since she doesn't meet the age cut-off for public school preschool. I'm worried about how she'll handle it (because she didn't handle daycare well AT.ALL).  I mean, in the Fall I can't just go and get her and say to hell with daycare!  We'll play together by ourselves! I'll have a very expensive commitment! When/where will I study, how will the house get clean, what will we eat, will I ever get to exercise, will I forget what my husband looks like!?!?  I mean, what if I can't do it?  What if I fail?

I'd like to start and finish this paragraph with the solution I've come up with - the closure, the wrap-up... the moment of enlightenment.  But, I just don't have anything close to those things.  I'm going to school in the fall.  I'm just afraid that I'm making the wrong decision.  Blerg.

Spring Cleaning

Spring is in the air, and I'm working feverishly to CLEAN IT OUT!!! The entire Schmandrea household has been SICK, and so has the rest of the world apparently! YUCK! I swear that the phrase "spring cleaning" was coined by a mother of four infectious little toddlers who needed to open the windows and sanitize the hell out of every single item in her house, lest the cycle of sickies start anew in the mild temperatures.

In the spirit of Spring cleaning, I have a few follow-ups from previous blog posts:

1) I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL! I just hope the government doesn't tank in the next two years, because, as it turns out...

2) Education is still expensive;

3) Apparently I'm not having heart palpitations. The cardiologist said that on the "two week" monitor (which I wore for only 5 days because that's when the sensors started to create blisters on my skin) showed no significant anything. What I felt was nothing. This concept is hard to wrap my head around, the "something is nothing" nihilist mantra, mostly when it's applied to something I actually feel in my body. But, I'm going to take it and run with it.

4) Mondays are still untrustable, and so am I when it comes to being strict to goals I decide to start achieving on Mondays. I am no closer to losing any weight, but I'm having fun trying new classes. I've decided to mix it up, and relax my demands on my body a bit. I don't HAVE to run or lose weight (I am at a healthy weight, just not one that any of my clothes fit in). I can get in shape and have fun doing exercises INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO running. For anyone who knows me, you know this is a big step for me to cut myself some slack. So, that's going well. And, well, I can always start my goal again on Monday. Surely there's one of those coming up again soon. ;-)

Other than that, today - also in the spirit of spring cleaning - I'm going to buy some organization tools for my "pantry," so things don't fall on my head when I open the door. Anymore. And I want to buy a key rack for the back entrance of the house. I think I'm going to head to Pier 1 Imports and Target for said items. Wish me luck!

Going for Broke

A friend of mine asked this question in the comment section of my last blog post: WHY was I so broke in college? And, I tell you, friend - guuurrrrllll, we all were (are)!!

In all seriousness, though, this question did pique my interest in the state of the cost of a college education these days. I am in the process of embarking on a new graduate pursuit, which will, no doubt, leave a very serious dent in my wallet for many, many years to come. In addition to the dents my undergraduate and first graduate degrees put in my poor, broke wallet. Therefore, this topic seems pertinent to my life at the moment.

The program I'm looking at costs approximately $61K for the two year MS degree without a specialization, which I will seek (infancy). That will make it roughly another $1600ish since I need two additional specialization classes. Holy shit, that's a lot of money!

Like so many people out there, I already have a significant amount of debt from my previous academic endeavors. Education is expensive (please see rant about this in a future blog post), but one has to consider if the end result (those fancy letters after one's name) will pay off in the long run. Or ever. So, since I plan on adding to this astronomical amount of debt... let's crunch some fairly imaginary numbers!

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, social workers make an average of $43,120 annually. According to the U.S. Department of Education, if I made $43,000 per year, combined with my husbands income (because they include that in calculating your repayment costs, those slimy bastards) I would have a low monthly payment of $1590. If I used the income-contingent plan, that number would look more like $1100. Hot damn.

I went to private schools. Very expensive, private schools. What does education cost at a state school? Let's use my in-laws alma mater, the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign as a comparison.

For U of I, the full four year tuition for an Illinois resident is $127,240. Hmm. I guess I'm not sure where the savings is in going to a state vs. private school. Maybe in the scholarships? Grants? Financial aid? It's a lot to think about, but it seems like saving for my kids' education now is definitely the right thing to do.

ANYWAYS, back to the original question: why was I so broke in college? I don't really think the cost of education is why I was broke in college. As you see I took out a lot of loans and got aid and scholarships, so it wasn't like I was paying out of pocket my college career, like some people do. No, those numbers above is why I'm going to be broke for the next 30 years. I was so broke in college because I was too busy to make a significant income! I studied my ass off, partied off what was left my ass after studying, and I participated in some extra-curricular activities. The money I earned via work-study went to eating out and groceries, mostly, or things like new clothes or alcohol. But, I think it basically boils down to I didn't have money because I didn't make money! Same reason as now. I really wish they paid us stay-at-home-mom's more. Kids are expensive!! Don't even get me started hyper-linking the cost of having and raising kids!!

It is amazing to me the cost of education. My brain is worth A LOT of money!! I'm both flattered and flabbergasted by that fact. There is a lot to think about after writing this and looking into U.S. education expenses, but I have to go play with my baby and fill out my FAFSA. Because if I'm going to afford my education, I need to get more education. It's a vicious cycle.

Planning for the next phase

I'm in the throes of a "next-phase-in-life" crisis. I tend to have these periods of profound introspection, which, thankfully, tend to propel me forward in a positive direction. The process can be painstaking - piecing together interests with possibilities, testing waters and retreating or moving forward. At the moment, I am working out what to do with my life after weaning my 7.5 month old baby.

See, it started like this:

I started a graduate program and met my husband that same year. We got married and then pregnant by the time I graduated two years later. I earned a masters degree in social work (an AM for those who want to be technical, dang U of C pretentiousness), and passed my licensing exam a few months later. I graduated 7 months pregnant and we decided that I would stay home for at least the first year of the baby's life. I had a job where I was able to work from home as the managing editor for a social work journal focusing on issues related to children for a while, and once Lillian turned one I got a part-time job working in Student Affairs at my undergraduate college. I got pregnant again with Amelia and we moved into our house, which is not close to the school I was working at, so I quit my job there and started over with the stay at home mom gig. She's now almost 8 months old, so it's time for me to start looking for my next endeavor.

I love this job. I am the luckiest person in the world to have my two girls. They are hilarious, beautiful, silly, incredibly diligent at working on their developmental tasks and so, so forgiving. Being home with them has humbled me, surprised me, intrigued me, made me appreciate the small things, allowed me to be silly and reignited my sense of wonder and imagination. Part of me could do this job until they graduate high school. However, I do have that master's degree (and the student loan debt to prove it) and a LOT to offer this world. I'm also going a little bit stir crazy and would love something intellectually stimulating to spend some of my time on - something that does not revolve around food preparation, laundry, poop or other bodily fluids and household chores.

So, my quandary became: now that I've grown up, what do I want to do with my life? Do I want to be a social worker? If so, doing what? If not, then what? I sat for many nights thinking about the last three years of my life and what I've come to understand about myself and what I've learned in general. First thing I can say is that we are done having kids. No more "one year" at home, nursing my baby, establishing healthy attachment, being privileged enough to help them with their developmental milestones, and witness their "firsts" (man, I love this job). It's time for me to move outside of the house a little bit and broaden my horizons. Second, I don't feel like I can just step back in to my role in social work that I left (I was a therapist/intern) without some kind of retraining. In general, I feel unprepared to walk into an agency and ask for a job with any confidence that I could actually help people. Third, I discovered that I want to work with a population that I have no real, formal training working with - babies/children and at-risk and/or young mothers. Imagine that.

After having my first child, Lillian, I suffered terribly. I became obsessive with certain behaviors (I washed my hands until they bled), introverted (wouldn't let people hold her, wouldn't really go anywhere) and I was very, very paranoid. I was crying all the time, my health was bad (I had postpartum thyroiditis, which gave me heart palpitations and made me lose lots of weight fast and feel like everything was spinning), and then, to top it all off, I reinjured what I now know to be two bulging discs in my lumbar spine, rendering me physically incompetent for months and months and months. I was depressed and in severe pain for a very long time. I worked very hard to pull myself back to reality, and did a damned good job of it with the help of my husband and family. I then had my second baby girl, and yet AGAIN reinjured those discs in my spine, and was even more incapacitated having a toddler, a newborn and this severe injury. Luckily, I healed relatively quickly, but there is NO WAY I would have made it through without my amazing husband, awesome mother and equally awesome in-laws. It was about this time I got to thinking - what the heck do people do without this kind of support?? What about mother's who are single, drug addicted, ostracized, dejected, incarcerated, or otherwise unavailable and without resources? I also then understood how desperate, unsupported and uneducated mother's choose to hurt their children. I developed empathy and deep compassion for women without resources. This job is HARD. You have to be utterly unselfish, and "on" at all times. You have to meet the needs of these tiny little babies who can't tell you what they want or need. Some never stop crying, some never sleep, some don't eat well, some cry for no apparent reason. Even the "best" babies need to eat very often at the beginning, leaving the parent(s) to subsist on little sleep and depleted strength. Add these factors to a woman who is playing the game with the cards already stacked against her, and the child or children become very at risk for neglect, abuse or both.

So, I did some research to see how I can get in touch with this population to intervene before babies get hurt, and to provide some support and resources for these mothers. I discovered one fascinating new project that really got my heart racing! Cook County has a new center for pregnant women within their women's jail. If you read this website, you'll get a glimpse of how difficult life is when you're a pregnant woman in prison. The women are non-violent offenders, and could probably use some support and education, don't ya think? I. Want. To. Work. There. or in some program like it.

This got me thinking that I can use my social work degree to work with the women - listen, build relationships, help boost confidence, self-esteem and self-efficacy, and help with life and work skills. But, with my education as it stands I can't help them understand the development of their babies and how to meet their needs without knowing more about child development myself. Thus, I have decided that I need more schooling to support my interests. Without a deep understanding of how babies develop, I can't help the mothers understand how to use their own resources (or how to find them if they're lacking).

I've applied to the Erikson Institute for an M.S. in Child Development. I've chosen this place because it's a natural fit for me, as they are the leader in educating practitioners in the field (child development is ALL they do), and they believe that a person is intrinsically linked to their environment - family, biology, community, etc. Therefore, they take a sort of holistic approach to the discipline, and that's exactly what I'm looking for in a graduate program. The program also doesn't start until the fall, which means that Amelia will be 15 or so months old and, therefore, weaned! That means I don't have to be within an hour of her next feeding! And they're local. Bonus!

I have an interview on February 23rd. I'm SO excited!

I think this post has been helpful for me because I was able to write down a lot of my thoughts, so I can see them. It helps me to understand what I want if I can write it down clearly. As long as this post is, it has really trimmed my own thoughts down a great deal. Yay!!