Going for Broke

A friend of mine asked this question in the comment section of my last blog post: WHY was I so broke in college? And, I tell you, friend - guuurrrrllll, we all were (are)!!

In all seriousness, though, this question did pique my interest in the state of the cost of a college education these days. I am in the process of embarking on a new graduate pursuit, which will, no doubt, leave a very serious dent in my wallet for many, many years to come. In addition to the dents my undergraduate and first graduate degrees put in my poor, broke wallet. Therefore, this topic seems pertinent to my life at the moment.

The program I'm looking at costs approximately $61K for the two year MS degree without a specialization, which I will seek (infancy). That will make it roughly another $1600ish since I need two additional specialization classes. Holy shit, that's a lot of money!

Like so many people out there, I already have a significant amount of debt from my previous academic endeavors. Education is expensive (please see rant about this in a future blog post), but one has to consider if the end result (those fancy letters after one's name) will pay off in the long run. Or ever. So, since I plan on adding to this astronomical amount of debt... let's crunch some fairly imaginary numbers!

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, social workers make an average of $43,120 annually. According to the U.S. Department of Education, if I made $43,000 per year, combined with my husbands income (because they include that in calculating your repayment costs, those slimy bastards) I would have a low monthly payment of $1590. If I used the income-contingent plan, that number would look more like $1100. Hot damn.

I went to private schools. Very expensive, private schools. What does education cost at a state school? Let's use my in-laws alma mater, the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign as a comparison.

For U of I, the full four year tuition for an Illinois resident is $127,240. Hmm. I guess I'm not sure where the savings is in going to a state vs. private school. Maybe in the scholarships? Grants? Financial aid? It's a lot to think about, but it seems like saving for my kids' education now is definitely the right thing to do.

ANYWAYS, back to the original question: why was I so broke in college? I don't really think the cost of education is why I was broke in college. As you see I took out a lot of loans and got aid and scholarships, so it wasn't like I was paying out of pocket my college career, like some people do. No, those numbers above is why I'm going to be broke for the next 30 years. I was so broke in college because I was too busy to make a significant income! I studied my ass off, partied off what was left my ass after studying, and I participated in some extra-curricular activities. The money I earned via work-study went to eating out and groceries, mostly, or things like new clothes or alcohol. But, I think it basically boils down to I didn't have money because I didn't make money! Same reason as now. I really wish they paid us stay-at-home-mom's more. Kids are expensive!! Don't even get me started hyper-linking the cost of having and raising kids!!

It is amazing to me the cost of education. My brain is worth A LOT of money!! I'm both flattered and flabbergasted by that fact. There is a lot to think about after writing this and looking into U.S. education expenses, but I have to go play with my baby and fill out my FAFSA. Because if I'm going to afford my education, I need to get more education. It's a vicious cycle.

Oh, to dream

The downside of eloping is not getting a honeymoon. The downside of having a child within the first year of said elopement was not getting a honeymoon. The downside of having a second child within two years of the first, and within three years of the marriage, is, yup, you guessed it, having nothing in my closet that's actually hip to wear after three years of being either pregnant or postpartum! Just kidding, it's not getting a honeymoon. In fact, the only full night I've spent away from either of my kids is when I was in the hospital having the second. To all who are thinking of having or expanding their families - I do NOT recommend this approach. It's kinda making me a little stir crazy.

I have very close family who travel extensively. I become greener and greener with envy with every trip I hear they are taking (up next for one group of family globe-trotters is, I think, Antwerp, Belgium and Spain), and green is not my color. Although I wear it more often than I care to admit. So, I've been "shopping" around and am coloring myself red with an imaginary sunburn from my imaginary honeymoon that I want to take with my very real, very hot husband. Some day.

Want to come? Let's shop around, shall we?!?!? Hyperlink's a-hoy!

Since everything pretty much stresses me out, and this place advertises that they can do all within their powers to make me not stress... I could see myself relaxing here for a week or two.

I don't think I would forgive myself for not considering Fiji, since it is gorgeous and romantic and magical. I'm not sure I could handle the travel it would take to get there (unless I pack the xanax!!) or the distance I'd be away from my kids, but this would be niiiiice otherwise.

I could probably stand it here for at least a few days weeks months.

I realize my honeymoon theme is rather beach-y. It's pretty cold this time of year in Chicago, so I can't help but dream of warmth and sunshine. But, who am I kidding, I would love an endless glass of frozen fruity drink and a pool overlooking the deep blue sea. It gives the illusion of being on the beach without finding sand in your every orifice. Sandy orifices are not very romantic and honeymoon like.

So, on another, more cultured note let's visit Europe. I've always wanted to go to Nice, France or the Greek Islands. I know they are still pretty island centered, but it's different. They're European destinations. Different, see? My husband would love to go to Russia, but Russia doesn't sound very warm right now. I'd have to buy a nice, new warm coat! There could be worse things, ya know. He's really into military history and political powerhouses, historically speaking and would really enjoy going somewhere he can explore that stuff. But, that's his fantasy. Since this is mine, and because it is a fantasy and I don't have to compromise, let's end on this note. Can't really do better than that, now, can ya? I feel relaxed and warm already (and, no, it's NOT the red wine talking, thank you very much). Sigh.

Oh well. Someday we'll have a fantastic honeymoon somewhere perfect. Perhaps we'll rent motorcycles and ride our way through the back roads of Italy, or perhaps we'll find some lovely B&B somewhere along the East coast of the United States and crack crabs and drink beer. Perhaps.

Of course, things could have been different. If we'd have had a "real" wedding, we could have had a honeymoon. But I would not trade a thousand honeymoons to have missed out on THIS kiss:

Green Thumb

Well, I don't so much think I have a green thumb - none of my plants have ever survived me - but I do have a red finger! YEOWCH!! I have this sore, swollen, and SORE (did I mention sore? Because, it's so sore) middle finger tip. I don't know what I did, but whatever I did it got infected. And, it hurts.

Another thing that hurts is hunger. And, all day today I was SO HUNGRY! I'm not sure that this plan is right for me. I am looking to lose the last 10 lbs of baby(s) weight before my youngest daughter's first birthday at the end of June. I'm nursing her still (about 4 times a day, give or take a time or so) so I assume I still need some extra calories to make milk. So when I stuff myself on veggies and fruits and nuts and whole grains all day and stay within my alloted 1480 calories and am STILL hungry, I think it's plain simple that I need more calories than I am "allowed". I don't believe in diets - I believe in good, wholesome nutrition... and when I make every choice count and I'm still wanting to gnaw off my fist, there's got to be a problem. *Sigh*...

Speaking of things that are problematic - this heart monitor is a bit wonky. It's connected to a cell phone which is, more or less, connected to my body... but the cell phone get's crappy coverage at my house. So the phone constantly vibrates telling me that coverage is terrible. Luckily both devices (the actual monitor and the cell phone that receives and then resends the data) collect and save a hefty amount of data, otherwise I'd have to wear this skin-irritating, itchy thing for months. No, thank you. I can't wait for the results, as I have had several "episodes" of maybe-palpitations that should have been recorded so I HAVE to have SOME kind of answer about all of this!

Another thing I can't wait for is my interview at Erikson (where I hope to pursue a Masters of Science in Child Development) on Wednesday! I'm starting to get nervous. Again, I should say - I'm starting to get nervous again. Please, pleasepleaseplease don't let us get another blizzard!! I want to turn this hope for some stimulation into intellectual action!!!

On the stimulation and action front - I went to the gym today for the first time since I was told to go see the cardiologist. I expect to be sore tomorrow, but I am SO glad I can actually move toward my modest goal of running 5K's. I ran, walked and lifted some weights. My muscles feel used in a very, very good way. I've fed them properly, hydrated the bajeezus out of them, and given them proper stimulation for the day. And, now they're tired.

Speaking of tired.... nighty night bloggerino! I gots nothing but love for ya, homie(s)!

Monday, Monday.

Can't trust that day.

Well, the cardiologist didn't have anything to tell me this week other than I should get a two week event monitor because the echocardiogram and the stress test were "normal" and the Holter monitor was "essentially normal". I have the automatic kind, which transmits a constant stream of heart data to a cell phone that I have to keep within 10 feet of my body. The phone transmits to a center somewhere the entire time I wear it. So, nothing is required of me other than putting it on properly, and mailing it back when I'm done. No fuss, no muss.

So, since the echo and stress tests came back a-okay, I'm allowed to exercise again! Hallelujah! I was almost through the entire Couch to 5K running program I started, so I intend to back track a bunch of weeks and get back on the wagon. Starting Monday.

I have never done well with things that "start on Monday." I do less well with New Year's resolutions, and this tied into my NYR for 2011 - to lose 11 pounds by June 22nd, the day my youngest - and last - daughter turns one. I think I still have, oh, about 11 pounds to go on that one. So, I better get to it. Starting Monday.

Hopefully the only reason you'll find me crying is from the pain in my legs from running.

Frustration Station

I have a toddler. Enough said, right?? Holy frustration, Batman! Well, she has just started in on the "defiant stage" and I'm not sure how to deal with the frustration that comes from it internally so that I can be a helpful instructor on appropriate behavior externally. It's my job to guide her towards age-appropriate ways to vent her energy, be it artistic, social, emotional, etc. It is also my job - and number one priority after making her feel loved - to keep her SAFE. But when it's just not my day and logistics go wrong, and then that bad day get's compounded by her excited energy and lack of interest in the activity I take us to and even further compounded by her baby sister's very vocal needs for food and diaper changes and general distaste for not being allowed to eat paint drenched paint brushes - I find myself counting to about 1,000 while my eyes try to roll themselves deep into the back of my head.

Luckily, today this all happened close enough to lunch and nap time that I could "fake it til I make it" a bit, get them in bed, and sigh a deep sigh of relief that it was all over for the time being. But, this raises a question, and that is - what are you going to do to not go through this again? I wonder what kind of relaxation techniques can I find to use in the middle of a hectic, wrong-place/wrong-time toddler tantrum-rific morning - in public, with both kids in toe, flying solo as parent in a room full of strangers? I'd like to figure out a way to act with more grace instead of acting like an overwhelmed mom who can't control her child. First of all, let me just say to my daughter: HELLO, Little Miss Defiant!! Where in the HECK did you come from!? You were not here a day or so ago. Next, I need a solution. Something to keep her safe when life get's flustrating. She just can't go running away from me. I would consider a toddler harness, but truth be told she wouldn't have had it on in this environment anyway, so it would have been ineffective. We can't just not go places, because that's far too extreme a consequence for either of us. Plus, it's not like she wanted to run away FROM me - she wanted to run TO the fish tank in the other room while I was on the floor changing her sister's poopy diaper far out of eyesight and ear shot. Sigh. I need something that makes her realize that I need for us to stick together and focus for a minute. Perhaps some kind of "I'mnotkiddingcomehererightnowyou'reintroublemissydoyouwantatimeout" code word could be established? Something that wouldn't be embarrassing for either of us and that wouldn't leave me to act fast in order to care for the infant and chase after a toddler in a library - or what could be even scarier, Navy freaking Pier or a mall. I shudder.

I do realize that this is ambitious, and I think I'll have to work out a way to practice this and a way to explain that, "if mommy says THIS word, the world must be put on hold and we have to reconvene". Maybe she'll feel empowered by having her own code word that she can use to tell me "Mommy! Drop the laundry basket. I need you now." That could help me, too, come to think of it. A code word. What word? "Lillian" has no effect on her. Go figure. I'll have to think on this a bit... I'll report back.

This isn't such a bad idea in other aspects of (my) life, ya know. I wonder if I can give myself a code word when anxiety get's the better of me and I need to snap back into reality. Or, if anger get's the better of me and I'm making more work for myself by being stubborn than by apologizing or just letting "it" go. Or, or, or... I think I may be on to something.

What are the tricks you carry up your sleeve, blog? Show me.

Heart of hearts

Since Valentine's Day tomorrow, why not talk about hearts. Well, A heart. My heart.

In June 2010, I had my second baby and I've been having heart palpitations very lately, which might or might not be a medical "big deal" but are really unnerving. After I had my first child in September 2008, I developed a condition called postpartum thyroiditis. It apparently can cause palpitations. After two "normal" EKG's, the doctor treated me with beta blockers to control the palpitations until the thyroid condition fixed itself and sent me on my way. Over the course of a few months, I seemed to get better and I weaned myself off of the meds and that was that.

A few months ago, I had a ginormous panic attack and started getting heart palpitations again. I went to the doctor and was prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, which made me NUTS-O, and had an EKG that came back with a "non-specific" abnormality. They also took blood to test my thyroid and other stuff, which all came back "normal". So, not postpartum thyroiditis again. Because of the abnormal EKG, I was sent to a cardiologist.

At the initial appointment I had another EKG, which came back normal. She decided to send me to get a stress test, an echocardiogram and to wear a 24-hour Holter monitor. And, now I wait for answers or for "peace of mind," to use the cardiologist's words. I think that given my history, that will be hard to come by. (Yes, I know you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, but I HAVE to. Nothing else fits).

I'll try to make a long story short and say, my dad died from "sudden cardiac syndrome" when he was 36 and my brother and I were 12 and 10, respectively. And, so, I get palpitations and it scares the bajeezus out of me. I have two babies for whom I need to live (!). I am not sure how I will get peace of mind out of these test results, because there will always be the "what if xy or z" factor. I can Google myself silly and I can hyperlink the hell out of you, but that doesn't change the fact that this horrible event in my life impacted me so severely that I now not only have heart palpitations, but have an undying paranoia about dropping dead.

I hope I get something out of the follow-up appointment I have this week. I hope I have something that showed up on one of the tests that she can point her finger at and say, "that's not going to hurt you." And, while she's at it, I hope her crystal ball is shiny enough to tell me I'll be around long enough that I'll complain that I'll never be able to pay off my daughters' weddings and student loans. Or my own student loans, because I'll have those for a long-ass time as well.

New Friends

Disclaimer: my husband is my best friend. I like him a lot. We're cool like dat. He gets me/I get him. We tight. He's the jam in my donut (or, more precisely the chocolate cream fill to my donut), the yin to my yang, the holy to my canoli. Yadda yadda yadda. Lacking a true BFF is not what this post is about.

Now, I proceed:

I used to have friends. Like, REAL friends. The kind who have seen you go through puberty; the kind you cry over unrequited, thirteen year old mad-style-head-over-heels-(ahem, puppy)-love; like the kind who defend you even if you're wrong; like the kind who critiqued my every, gnarly fashion mistake and molded me into a diva-fied goddess, even if only for one night out on the town. There are many days when I really, really miss those friends. Even if they were from Indiana. Birds of a feather, you know?

Then in college I had real friends, too! A whole new breed of them... Fun, amazing and amazingly independent and supremely individual - not to mention wicked smart - women. (Sorry if I offended any of you friggin sweet feminists by calling you "women". Delete and reinsert your own adjective as you will). I had a few guy friends, too, but, really, I finally bonded with some serious, driven - in completely radical and fantastical directions - women.

Now, I almost feel like a deserter, a traitor, a real Benedict Arnold. I might have become some kind of semblance of what I always said I'd never be (i.e. the kind of girl who drops everything for her guy and drops off the face of the planet only to resurface somewhere east of Stepford - where they aren't gorgeous and perfect). Only, I'm guessing that any of these righteous babes would probably have been able to tell you that I would, in fact, drop off the side of the Earth when I met a beau. I'm just single minded like that, I suppose, and I was always looking for love. In my defense, my husband is really REALLY cute! But fast-forward three or four years and now I want my life back. The fun, social part with a few minor adjustments (like, two kids, a husband, two dogs and a house on the border of two suburbs) - I'm not looking for the wild, let yoself be free and let come what may kind of nights. But as I try to recreate a friend base I find myself tripping over stumbling blocks. As you'd expect, things have changed. The friends have stayed cool and interesting and interested in cool things. And, well, I've dropped off the planet into the abyss of diapers and Sesame Street characters, only to resurface fluent in Sesame-ease. And, Backyardigan-ease, and, Kipper-ease, and, Caillou-ease, and Pingu-ease. Shoot me. I honestly don't know if I have anything of substance to offer them right now.

It's not that they don't want to hang around me - the truth is I'm sure that most of them would love to see me, but I feel really awkward and have to, lamely, stick close to home. Which is not really close to anyone else's home. Plus, my mouth rarely utters a word that doesn't have to do with babies, toddlers, sleep, poop/pee or food and chores. And, what person wants to talk about that crap. Cuz, I know I don't. So I kind of feel stuck between a rock and a hard place: get cool and brush up on awesome shiz and cool blogs, or meet new friends with interests and lifestyles similar to my own. I've decided to try and do both.

I've met a few new coolio mom's within the past six months, though we're pretty far away in travel time and have different kid/nap schedules. One friend moved away and I MISS YOU. Erm, I mean and I miss her. =) I've joined a Meetup.com and MOM's club around my area to find more local people. Oh, and I think I've made a friend in my neighbor, who's going to have a baby right around the time my youngest turns one. I can't wait to meet him!! I love little babies! I like all these folks a whole lot, so I'm thinking that this is a "where there's a will there's a way" crowd and that we'll be hanging out more as the STUPID WEATHER gets better.

That's all for now, as I have to go join my BFF in sorting our paperwork so we can file our taxes. So we can be, like, rich and stuff.

Planning for the next phase

I'm in the throes of a "next-phase-in-life" crisis. I tend to have these periods of profound introspection, which, thankfully, tend to propel me forward in a positive direction. The process can be painstaking - piecing together interests with possibilities, testing waters and retreating or moving forward. At the moment, I am working out what to do with my life after weaning my 7.5 month old baby.

See, it started like this:

I started a graduate program and met my husband that same year. We got married and then pregnant by the time I graduated two years later. I earned a masters degree in social work (an AM for those who want to be technical, dang U of C pretentiousness), and passed my licensing exam a few months later. I graduated 7 months pregnant and we decided that I would stay home for at least the first year of the baby's life. I had a job where I was able to work from home as the managing editor for a social work journal focusing on issues related to children for a while, and once Lillian turned one I got a part-time job working in Student Affairs at my undergraduate college. I got pregnant again with Amelia and we moved into our house, which is not close to the school I was working at, so I quit my job there and started over with the stay at home mom gig. She's now almost 8 months old, so it's time for me to start looking for my next endeavor.

I love this job. I am the luckiest person in the world to have my two girls. They are hilarious, beautiful, silly, incredibly diligent at working on their developmental tasks and so, so forgiving. Being home with them has humbled me, surprised me, intrigued me, made me appreciate the small things, allowed me to be silly and reignited my sense of wonder and imagination. Part of me could do this job until they graduate high school. However, I do have that master's degree (and the student loan debt to prove it) and a LOT to offer this world. I'm also going a little bit stir crazy and would love something intellectually stimulating to spend some of my time on - something that does not revolve around food preparation, laundry, poop or other bodily fluids and household chores.

So, my quandary became: now that I've grown up, what do I want to do with my life? Do I want to be a social worker? If so, doing what? If not, then what? I sat for many nights thinking about the last three years of my life and what I've come to understand about myself and what I've learned in general. First thing I can say is that we are done having kids. No more "one year" at home, nursing my baby, establishing healthy attachment, being privileged enough to help them with their developmental milestones, and witness their "firsts" (man, I love this job). It's time for me to move outside of the house a little bit and broaden my horizons. Second, I don't feel like I can just step back in to my role in social work that I left (I was a therapist/intern) without some kind of retraining. In general, I feel unprepared to walk into an agency and ask for a job with any confidence that I could actually help people. Third, I discovered that I want to work with a population that I have no real, formal training working with - babies/children and at-risk and/or young mothers. Imagine that.

After having my first child, Lillian, I suffered terribly. I became obsessive with certain behaviors (I washed my hands until they bled), introverted (wouldn't let people hold her, wouldn't really go anywhere) and I was very, very paranoid. I was crying all the time, my health was bad (I had postpartum thyroiditis, which gave me heart palpitations and made me lose lots of weight fast and feel like everything was spinning), and then, to top it all off, I reinjured what I now know to be two bulging discs in my lumbar spine, rendering me physically incompetent for months and months and months. I was depressed and in severe pain for a very long time. I worked very hard to pull myself back to reality, and did a damned good job of it with the help of my husband and family. I then had my second baby girl, and yet AGAIN reinjured those discs in my spine, and was even more incapacitated having a toddler, a newborn and this severe injury. Luckily, I healed relatively quickly, but there is NO WAY I would have made it through without my amazing husband, awesome mother and equally awesome in-laws. It was about this time I got to thinking - what the heck do people do without this kind of support?? What about mother's who are single, drug addicted, ostracized, dejected, incarcerated, or otherwise unavailable and without resources? I also then understood how desperate, unsupported and uneducated mother's choose to hurt their children. I developed empathy and deep compassion for women without resources. This job is HARD. You have to be utterly unselfish, and "on" at all times. You have to meet the needs of these tiny little babies who can't tell you what they want or need. Some never stop crying, some never sleep, some don't eat well, some cry for no apparent reason. Even the "best" babies need to eat very often at the beginning, leaving the parent(s) to subsist on little sleep and depleted strength. Add these factors to a woman who is playing the game with the cards already stacked against her, and the child or children become very at risk for neglect, abuse or both.

So, I did some research to see how I can get in touch with this population to intervene before babies get hurt, and to provide some support and resources for these mothers. I discovered one fascinating new project that really got my heart racing! Cook County has a new center for pregnant women within their women's jail. If you read this website, you'll get a glimpse of how difficult life is when you're a pregnant woman in prison. The women are non-violent offenders, and could probably use some support and education, don't ya think? I. Want. To. Work. There. or in some program like it.

This got me thinking that I can use my social work degree to work with the women - listen, build relationships, help boost confidence, self-esteem and self-efficacy, and help with life and work skills. But, with my education as it stands I can't help them understand the development of their babies and how to meet their needs without knowing more about child development myself. Thus, I have decided that I need more schooling to support my interests. Without a deep understanding of how babies develop, I can't help the mothers understand how to use their own resources (or how to find them if they're lacking).

I've applied to the Erikson Institute for an M.S. in Child Development. I've chosen this place because it's a natural fit for me, as they are the leader in educating practitioners in the field (child development is ALL they do), and they believe that a person is intrinsically linked to their environment - family, biology, community, etc. Therefore, they take a sort of holistic approach to the discipline, and that's exactly what I'm looking for in a graduate program. The program also doesn't start until the fall, which means that Amelia will be 15 or so months old and, therefore, weaned! That means I don't have to be within an hour of her next feeding! And they're local. Bonus!

I have an interview on February 23rd. I'm SO excited!

I think this post has been helpful for me because I was able to write down a lot of my thoughts, so I can see them. It helps me to understand what I want if I can write it down clearly. As long as this post is, it has really trimmed my own thoughts down a great deal. Yay!!

Where to begin?

I signed up for this blog in November 2009. Would you believe that I've spent the last year and some change wondering how the heck to start a first post? It's totally true. I've thought to myself, "I've had a long life - where do I begin?" I wonder, do I jump right into where I am now? Do I start with a bit of history? Or, should I begin with a poem or a quote or an aimless musing or some deep philosophical query? Or, ... something? I dunno. I don't even know what a blog is supposed to be, but I have sternly decided that I'm not going to do any sort of Google search to find out.

Since it's tax season, I'll begin with some of the things I'd like to spend (or blow) some money on. First, and foremost, we're paying off our vet bill from December when our fat dog ate part of his frisbee and needed surgery to get it dislodged from his intestines. Damned dog. He's lucky he's so cute and that we love him dearly or he'd be glue right now. Then, I would like a bed (frame - I have the mattress). Specifically, I want this bed:

It's from Room and Board - the "Piper Stainless Steel Bed". It's beautiful.

After that we'd like to set aside one year's worth of annual fees (life insurance premiums, license plate renewals, city parking sticker, etc.) so that they don't hit us throughout the year, when no matter how well you save and plan a big bill is always a surprising pain in the ass. We'd also like to do a few small things around the house before heading into another big project - like FINISH some projects in progress: new doorknobs/doorstops throughout, window treatments for our bedroom (combined with the bed this would finish our room!) and the kitchen, and ELFA (the worlds BEST closet organization system) for the pantry and bathroom closet. Anywhoo, the "I want to buy" list could go on forever, but this will be the sample that I share with you, blog. You needn't know everything about me. It's only our first date.

Since I have kids who will undoubtedly rise and shine me at 5:00 am, I must sign off and hit the sack. So, goodnight blog! Sleep tight, blog.