Spring Cleaning

Spring is in the air, and I'm working feverishly to CLEAN IT OUT!!! The entire Schmandrea household has been SICK, and so has the rest of the world apparently! YUCK! I swear that the phrase "spring cleaning" was coined by a mother of four infectious little toddlers who needed to open the windows and sanitize the hell out of every single item in her house, lest the cycle of sickies start anew in the mild temperatures.

In the spirit of Spring cleaning, I have a few follow-ups from previous blog posts:

1) I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL! I just hope the government doesn't tank in the next two years, because, as it turns out...

2) Education is still expensive;

3) Apparently I'm not having heart palpitations. The cardiologist said that on the "two week" monitor (which I wore for only 5 days because that's when the sensors started to create blisters on my skin) showed no significant anything. What I felt was nothing. This concept is hard to wrap my head around, the "something is nothing" nihilist mantra, mostly when it's applied to something I actually feel in my body. But, I'm going to take it and run with it.

4) Mondays are still untrustable, and so am I when it comes to being strict to goals I decide to start achieving on Mondays. I am no closer to losing any weight, but I'm having fun trying new classes. I've decided to mix it up, and relax my demands on my body a bit. I don't HAVE to run or lose weight (I am at a healthy weight, just not one that any of my clothes fit in). I can get in shape and have fun doing exercises INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO running. For anyone who knows me, you know this is a big step for me to cut myself some slack. So, that's going well. And, well, I can always start my goal again on Monday. Surely there's one of those coming up again soon. ;-)

Other than that, today - also in the spirit of spring cleaning - I'm going to buy some organization tools for my "pantry," so things don't fall on my head when I open the door. Anymore. And I want to buy a key rack for the back entrance of the house. I think I'm going to head to Pier 1 Imports and Target for said items. Wish me luck!

Going for Broke

A friend of mine asked this question in the comment section of my last blog post: WHY was I so broke in college? And, I tell you, friend - guuurrrrllll, we all were (are)!!

In all seriousness, though, this question did pique my interest in the state of the cost of a college education these days. I am in the process of embarking on a new graduate pursuit, which will, no doubt, leave a very serious dent in my wallet for many, many years to come. In addition to the dents my undergraduate and first graduate degrees put in my poor, broke wallet. Therefore, this topic seems pertinent to my life at the moment.

The program I'm looking at costs approximately $61K for the two year MS degree without a specialization, which I will seek (infancy). That will make it roughly another $1600ish since I need two additional specialization classes. Holy shit, that's a lot of money!

Like so many people out there, I already have a significant amount of debt from my previous academic endeavors. Education is expensive (please see rant about this in a future blog post), but one has to consider if the end result (those fancy letters after one's name) will pay off in the long run. Or ever. So, since I plan on adding to this astronomical amount of debt... let's crunch some fairly imaginary numbers!

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, social workers make an average of $43,120 annually. According to the U.S. Department of Education, if I made $43,000 per year, combined with my husbands income (because they include that in calculating your repayment costs, those slimy bastards) I would have a low monthly payment of $1590. If I used the income-contingent plan, that number would look more like $1100. Hot damn.

I went to private schools. Very expensive, private schools. What does education cost at a state school? Let's use my in-laws alma mater, the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign as a comparison.

For U of I, the full four year tuition for an Illinois resident is $127,240. Hmm. I guess I'm not sure where the savings is in going to a state vs. private school. Maybe in the scholarships? Grants? Financial aid? It's a lot to think about, but it seems like saving for my kids' education now is definitely the right thing to do.

ANYWAYS, back to the original question: why was I so broke in college? I don't really think the cost of education is why I was broke in college. As you see I took out a lot of loans and got aid and scholarships, so it wasn't like I was paying out of pocket my college career, like some people do. No, those numbers above is why I'm going to be broke for the next 30 years. I was so broke in college because I was too busy to make a significant income! I studied my ass off, partied off what was left my ass after studying, and I participated in some extra-curricular activities. The money I earned via work-study went to eating out and groceries, mostly, or things like new clothes or alcohol. But, I think it basically boils down to I didn't have money because I didn't make money! Same reason as now. I really wish they paid us stay-at-home-mom's more. Kids are expensive!! Don't even get me started hyper-linking the cost of having and raising kids!!

It is amazing to me the cost of education. My brain is worth A LOT of money!! I'm both flattered and flabbergasted by that fact. There is a lot to think about after writing this and looking into U.S. education expenses, but I have to go play with my baby and fill out my FAFSA. Because if I'm going to afford my education, I need to get more education. It's a vicious cycle.

Oh, to dream

The downside of eloping is not getting a honeymoon. The downside of having a child within the first year of said elopement was not getting a honeymoon. The downside of having a second child within two years of the first, and within three years of the marriage, is, yup, you guessed it, having nothing in my closet that's actually hip to wear after three years of being either pregnant or postpartum! Just kidding, it's not getting a honeymoon. In fact, the only full night I've spent away from either of my kids is when I was in the hospital having the second. To all who are thinking of having or expanding their families - I do NOT recommend this approach. It's kinda making me a little stir crazy.

I have very close family who travel extensively. I become greener and greener with envy with every trip I hear they are taking (up next for one group of family globe-trotters is, I think, Antwerp, Belgium and Spain), and green is not my color. Although I wear it more often than I care to admit. So, I've been "shopping" around and am coloring myself red with an imaginary sunburn from my imaginary honeymoon that I want to take with my very real, very hot husband. Some day.

Want to come? Let's shop around, shall we?!?!? Hyperlink's a-hoy!

Since everything pretty much stresses me out, and this place advertises that they can do all within their powers to make me not stress... I could see myself relaxing here for a week or two.

I don't think I would forgive myself for not considering Fiji, since it is gorgeous and romantic and magical. I'm not sure I could handle the travel it would take to get there (unless I pack the xanax!!) or the distance I'd be away from my kids, but this would be niiiiice otherwise.

I could probably stand it here for at least a few days weeks months.

I realize my honeymoon theme is rather beach-y. It's pretty cold this time of year in Chicago, so I can't help but dream of warmth and sunshine. But, who am I kidding, I would love an endless glass of frozen fruity drink and a pool overlooking the deep blue sea. It gives the illusion of being on the beach without finding sand in your every orifice. Sandy orifices are not very romantic and honeymoon like.

So, on another, more cultured note let's visit Europe. I've always wanted to go to Nice, France or the Greek Islands. I know they are still pretty island centered, but it's different. They're European destinations. Different, see? My husband would love to go to Russia, but Russia doesn't sound very warm right now. I'd have to buy a nice, new warm coat! There could be worse things, ya know. He's really into military history and political powerhouses, historically speaking and would really enjoy going somewhere he can explore that stuff. But, that's his fantasy. Since this is mine, and because it is a fantasy and I don't have to compromise, let's end on this note. Can't really do better than that, now, can ya? I feel relaxed and warm already (and, no, it's NOT the red wine talking, thank you very much). Sigh.

Oh well. Someday we'll have a fantastic honeymoon somewhere perfect. Perhaps we'll rent motorcycles and ride our way through the back roads of Italy, or perhaps we'll find some lovely B&B somewhere along the East coast of the United States and crack crabs and drink beer. Perhaps.

Of course, things could have been different. If we'd have had a "real" wedding, we could have had a honeymoon. But I would not trade a thousand honeymoons to have missed out on THIS kiss:

Green Thumb

Well, I don't so much think I have a green thumb - none of my plants have ever survived me - but I do have a red finger! YEOWCH!! I have this sore, swollen, and SORE (did I mention sore? Because, it's so sore) middle finger tip. I don't know what I did, but whatever I did it got infected. And, it hurts.

Another thing that hurts is hunger. And, all day today I was SO HUNGRY! I'm not sure that this plan is right for me. I am looking to lose the last 10 lbs of baby(s) weight before my youngest daughter's first birthday at the end of June. I'm nursing her still (about 4 times a day, give or take a time or so) so I assume I still need some extra calories to make milk. So when I stuff myself on veggies and fruits and nuts and whole grains all day and stay within my alloted 1480 calories and am STILL hungry, I think it's plain simple that I need more calories than I am "allowed". I don't believe in diets - I believe in good, wholesome nutrition... and when I make every choice count and I'm still wanting to gnaw off my fist, there's got to be a problem. *Sigh*...

Speaking of things that are problematic - this heart monitor is a bit wonky. It's connected to a cell phone which is, more or less, connected to my body... but the cell phone get's crappy coverage at my house. So the phone constantly vibrates telling me that coverage is terrible. Luckily both devices (the actual monitor and the cell phone that receives and then resends the data) collect and save a hefty amount of data, otherwise I'd have to wear this skin-irritating, itchy thing for months. No, thank you. I can't wait for the results, as I have had several "episodes" of maybe-palpitations that should have been recorded so I HAVE to have SOME kind of answer about all of this!

Another thing I can't wait for is my interview at Erikson (where I hope to pursue a Masters of Science in Child Development) on Wednesday! I'm starting to get nervous. Again, I should say - I'm starting to get nervous again. Please, pleasepleaseplease don't let us get another blizzard!! I want to turn this hope for some stimulation into intellectual action!!!

On the stimulation and action front - I went to the gym today for the first time since I was told to go see the cardiologist. I expect to be sore tomorrow, but I am SO glad I can actually move toward my modest goal of running 5K's. I ran, walked and lifted some weights. My muscles feel used in a very, very good way. I've fed them properly, hydrated the bajeezus out of them, and given them proper stimulation for the day. And, now they're tired.

Speaking of tired.... nighty night bloggerino! I gots nothing but love for ya, homie(s)!

Monday, Monday.

Can't trust that day.

Well, the cardiologist didn't have anything to tell me this week other than I should get a two week event monitor because the echocardiogram and the stress test were "normal" and the Holter monitor was "essentially normal". I have the automatic kind, which transmits a constant stream of heart data to a cell phone that I have to keep within 10 feet of my body. The phone transmits to a center somewhere the entire time I wear it. So, nothing is required of me other than putting it on properly, and mailing it back when I'm done. No fuss, no muss.

So, since the echo and stress tests came back a-okay, I'm allowed to exercise again! Hallelujah! I was almost through the entire Couch to 5K running program I started, so I intend to back track a bunch of weeks and get back on the wagon. Starting Monday.

I have never done well with things that "start on Monday." I do less well with New Year's resolutions, and this tied into my NYR for 2011 - to lose 11 pounds by June 22nd, the day my youngest - and last - daughter turns one. I think I still have, oh, about 11 pounds to go on that one. So, I better get to it. Starting Monday.

Hopefully the only reason you'll find me crying is from the pain in my legs from running.

Frustration Station

I have a toddler. Enough said, right?? Holy frustration, Batman! Well, she has just started in on the "defiant stage" and I'm not sure how to deal with the frustration that comes from it internally so that I can be a helpful instructor on appropriate behavior externally. It's my job to guide her towards age-appropriate ways to vent her energy, be it artistic, social, emotional, etc. It is also my job - and number one priority after making her feel loved - to keep her SAFE. But when it's just not my day and logistics go wrong, and then that bad day get's compounded by her excited energy and lack of interest in the activity I take us to and even further compounded by her baby sister's very vocal needs for food and diaper changes and general distaste for not being allowed to eat paint drenched paint brushes - I find myself counting to about 1,000 while my eyes try to roll themselves deep into the back of my head.

Luckily, today this all happened close enough to lunch and nap time that I could "fake it til I make it" a bit, get them in bed, and sigh a deep sigh of relief that it was all over for the time being. But, this raises a question, and that is - what are you going to do to not go through this again? I wonder what kind of relaxation techniques can I find to use in the middle of a hectic, wrong-place/wrong-time toddler tantrum-rific morning - in public, with both kids in toe, flying solo as parent in a room full of strangers? I'd like to figure out a way to act with more grace instead of acting like an overwhelmed mom who can't control her child. First of all, let me just say to my daughter: HELLO, Little Miss Defiant!! Where in the HECK did you come from!? You were not here a day or so ago. Next, I need a solution. Something to keep her safe when life get's flustrating. She just can't go running away from me. I would consider a toddler harness, but truth be told she wouldn't have had it on in this environment anyway, so it would have been ineffective. We can't just not go places, because that's far too extreme a consequence for either of us. Plus, it's not like she wanted to run away FROM me - she wanted to run TO the fish tank in the other room while I was on the floor changing her sister's poopy diaper far out of eyesight and ear shot. Sigh. I need something that makes her realize that I need for us to stick together and focus for a minute. Perhaps some kind of "I'mnotkiddingcomehererightnowyou'reintroublemissydoyouwantatimeout" code word could be established? Something that wouldn't be embarrassing for either of us and that wouldn't leave me to act fast in order to care for the infant and chase after a toddler in a library - or what could be even scarier, Navy freaking Pier or a mall. I shudder.

I do realize that this is ambitious, and I think I'll have to work out a way to practice this and a way to explain that, "if mommy says THIS word, the world must be put on hold and we have to reconvene". Maybe she'll feel empowered by having her own code word that she can use to tell me "Mommy! Drop the laundry basket. I need you now." That could help me, too, come to think of it. A code word. What word? "Lillian" has no effect on her. Go figure. I'll have to think on this a bit... I'll report back.

This isn't such a bad idea in other aspects of (my) life, ya know. I wonder if I can give myself a code word when anxiety get's the better of me and I need to snap back into reality. Or, if anger get's the better of me and I'm making more work for myself by being stubborn than by apologizing or just letting "it" go. Or, or, or... I think I may be on to something.

What are the tricks you carry up your sleeve, blog? Show me.

Heart of hearts

Since Valentine's Day tomorrow, why not talk about hearts. Well, A heart. My heart.

In June 2010, I had my second baby and I've been having heart palpitations very lately, which might or might not be a medical "big deal" but are really unnerving. After I had my first child in September 2008, I developed a condition called postpartum thyroiditis. It apparently can cause palpitations. After two "normal" EKG's, the doctor treated me with beta blockers to control the palpitations until the thyroid condition fixed itself and sent me on my way. Over the course of a few months, I seemed to get better and I weaned myself off of the meds and that was that.

A few months ago, I had a ginormous panic attack and started getting heart palpitations again. I went to the doctor and was prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, which made me NUTS-O, and had an EKG that came back with a "non-specific" abnormality. They also took blood to test my thyroid and other stuff, which all came back "normal". So, not postpartum thyroiditis again. Because of the abnormal EKG, I was sent to a cardiologist.

At the initial appointment I had another EKG, which came back normal. She decided to send me to get a stress test, an echocardiogram and to wear a 24-hour Holter monitor. And, now I wait for answers or for "peace of mind," to use the cardiologist's words. I think that given my history, that will be hard to come by. (Yes, I know you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, but I HAVE to. Nothing else fits).

I'll try to make a long story short and say, my dad died from "sudden cardiac syndrome" when he was 36 and my brother and I were 12 and 10, respectively. And, so, I get palpitations and it scares the bajeezus out of me. I have two babies for whom I need to live (!). I am not sure how I will get peace of mind out of these test results, because there will always be the "what if xy or z" factor. I can Google myself silly and I can hyperlink the hell out of you, but that doesn't change the fact that this horrible event in my life impacted me so severely that I now not only have heart palpitations, but have an undying paranoia about dropping dead.

I hope I get something out of the follow-up appointment I have this week. I hope I have something that showed up on one of the tests that she can point her finger at and say, "that's not going to hurt you." And, while she's at it, I hope her crystal ball is shiny enough to tell me I'll be around long enough that I'll complain that I'll never be able to pay off my daughters' weddings and student loans. Or my own student loans, because I'll have those for a long-ass time as well.