If you have nothing nice to say...

In case you were wondering why I haven't written... that's why.  I just haven't had anything positive to add to the world of verbs.  I've been in a funk, like I said before... and it has been a pretty grumpy funk.  I'm still in that funk (I like saying that word... funk.  Funk.  Funkfunkfunkfunk.), but now I have more to say about it than I have in a while, I guess.  Maybe I'm processing.  I dunno.  Or moving forward?

More or less, it boils down to boredom.  I'm ready to do... something.  My baby is nearing a year old, which means that soon she'll be weaned.  Hopefully hubbs and I can go somewhere for a night or two to catch up on some alone time and, well... *blush*... you know... SLEEP.  I've been either pregnant or nursing since Christmas 07.  That's, like, almost three years I've had a little person attached to my body.  That is a beautiful thing, but it kinda means I've been tethered to my house for that long.  In fact, the only night away I spent from my almost three-year-old was when I delivered my almost one-year-old.  I am absolutely ready for some adult time where I can stay up past 10pm and, as I said... SLEEP - all night through, and in past 6am.  I really really REALLY love my kids, but I need a part of my life to not include their needs.

Boredom, to me, means that I need to have some fun, and find something for me that's just my own - a challenge, I suppose.  Thanks to Shannon, I decided that maybe a few goals would be a good way to proceed.  That way, I could see my goal and chart my progress.  My long term goal is another grad degree - that's decided.  I also need something tangible, a goal that I can reach soon and that helps me feel better and more alive.  So, I decided that I wanted to run the Chicago Half Marathon this year, September 11th.  I 2006, I attempted to train and run the Chicago FULL Marathon.  I all but broke my body doing so.  I seriously injured my right hip flexor, caused painful shin splints and was out of the race (or should have been) about half-way through the program.  The longest run I did was 16 miles.  You'd have thunk that someone who had to stop training half way through the summer would not try to run the marathon anyways.  You would think.  But, I did try.  I made it to mile 13 before I about collapsed.  I didn't run again for two years, and then only a little bit.  Now - I'm on a mission.  I failed once.  But, I've reset my goals so something more reasonable (at least to start) and I'm going to finish.  I. Will. Do. It.  It's going to be hard... but I need that hard something fierce.  To do something good for others while I do something good for myself, I decided to train with the Team to End AIDS and raise money for those living with HIV/AIDS in Chicago.  The money goes to practical needs, like housing and medical expenses. If you'd like to donate, click here

Now to figure out how to have some FUN.  I'm tired of the routine and only the routine.  It's making me grumpy.  Just ask my husband.  I don't want to resent my family for being my only realm, if that's the right word,  because I have to work work work and go to bed.  I want to enjoy  life outside of kids and the home, too.  Even if I don't leave the house, if you know what I mean.

What do you do for fun?  Help me round out my need wheel and find out something fun to do... suggestions!?

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis: any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.


Etc. *Sigh*

I've been in such a bitchy mood lately.  And I've been thinking a lot about why.  You know, in order to snap out of it.  Likely story.  You see, I'm a dweller, and dwellers don't typically "snap out" well.  I'm trying, though.  And, to aid in that "try", I'm going to confess: I don't deal well with change.  And, changes - they are a'comin!

I've decided to go back to school in the Fall.  I've been doing a lot of thinking (mostly about money) and reading (mostly about student loan debt repayment) and I'm just so scared to take on MORE debt in this shitty economy.  Not that my debt load now is light, because it isn't, but it's less than it will be come 2013 when I graduate.  I should be able to get a job then, right?  With TWO masters degrees?  Right?  Right??  Me = marketable? Eh?  Yeah?  Eh?  I just don't feel that I'm qualified to help people right now.  I graduated and got my license (LSW) in 2008... then I had babies and I stayed home - in other words, I've spent two full years not practicing social work.  So, I kind of feel completely inadequate and in need of some further training.  Plus, I've changed what I want to focus on (then = helping people, now = helping pregnant women and babies) and feel I have no clinical experience nor education to work in that field, and I just don't want to go through "on the job training" if it even exists.

Anyways, this decision hasn't decided to sit well with me yet and I'm just all torn up inside.  "Money" tends to be a highly effective, anxiety-provoking, bitch awakening scapegoat for my mind, so that's where my worry sits - I read, I dwell, I read some more, I listen to horror stories about the USDoE garnishing wages and ruining my life.  In short, I worst-case-scenario the bajeezus out the situation and turn sullen and grumpy and, well I think you catch my drift.  Yes, it's true that I'll have a boat load more debt (literally, I could probably buy a snazzy boat with the money I'll spend), but really I think I'm scared of failing.  And scared of disappointing my family - myself, my husband, my kids, the -.  My kids.  I have kids, what the hell am I thinking?  How will this impact my kids?  I'm having anxiety about leaving my then-will-be 14 month old with... with whom???  Daycare?  A home nanny?  Family?  Ummm....???  Also having worries about where to send my toddler to preschool since she doesn't meet the age cut-off for public school preschool. I'm worried about how she'll handle it (because she didn't handle daycare well AT.ALL).  I mean, in the Fall I can't just go and get her and say to hell with daycare!  We'll play together by ourselves! I'll have a very expensive commitment! When/where will I study, how will the house get clean, what will we eat, will I ever get to exercise, will I forget what my husband looks like!?!?  I mean, what if I can't do it?  What if I fail?

I'd like to start and finish this paragraph with the solution I've come up with - the closure, the wrap-up... the moment of enlightenment.  But, I just don't have anything close to those things.  I'm going to school in the fall.  I'm just afraid that I'm making the wrong decision.  Blerg.

Kitchen

I don't have a lot of exciting stuff going on this week (gasp!), so I thought I'd write a bit about what's going on in my kitchen!  I love food blogs.  Loooove them.  I also love cookbooks.  Looooove them, too (and am in the market for some new ones so feel free to dish on your faves or fails).  They are so awesome because they exist so I don't have to create my own food ideas!  I'm an awesome cook - meaning, I can follow a recipe like nobody's business.

Every Friday or Saturday, I sit down with my cookbooks and computer and "research" what I want to make for the week.  So I can go to the grocery store with a plan.  I have a few weekly requirements:

• I will not make the same meal for two weeks in a row, no matter how much my husband likes it and begs for it.  No matter!  
• At least two meals have to be vegetarian.  With vegetables in them.  It helps me to make sure my family and I get proper nutrition.
• All dinners must have at least one side veggie item or have lots of veggies in them (if it's a casserole, for example).
• Three of the four meals must be relatively "quick fix" since dinner making hour is "mad dash" hour in my house.  
• One pasta dish per week maximum.
• I try to make enough so there are lunch left overs for me and the hubbster.  Sine my toddler basically doesn't eat, I don't worry about her leftovers. 
• Speaking of toddler, I try very hard to make meals "toddler friendly," (but she doesn't eat them anyway, so... "pfffttthhh" to her)  
• Make foods that don't upset my husbands abundant food allergies.  

I think that's it for my requirements.  I typically don't cook a ton of ethnic foods, partially because I'm not sure how they taste and partially because who needs a bunch of random ethnic spices in my tiny spice space in my cabinet that I'm not going to use but once a year.  I would like to cook more Indian food, because I loved it when I ate a ton of it in the UK for the year I lived there, but I'm kind of afraid to try.  I also don't cook fish hardly ever, which is also something I'd like to change within the next few months.  

This week, I decided to make the following: 

Monday: Cheeseburgers on whole wheat buns, with Cheddar Cauliflower and potato chips (my toppings were mayo, mustard, ketchup, lettuce, tomato and pickles)

• Note: I think next time I might try to slide in some hidden veggies and see how that turns out.  Hubbs eats veggies, toddler doesn't eat anything, so it's not for the "hiding" factor, per se... but I always like to pack as much as I can get away with while trying to satisfy all of us.  These had onions, salt & pepper, Worcestershire, whole wheat bread crumbs and an egg.  I could probably mince some zucchini  or really grate the hell out of some carrots next time.  Hmmm....

Tuesday: Beans and cornbread (without the bacon, maybe.  Maybe.) with a cucumber salad

Wednesday: Grilled cheese on whole wheat bread, roasted red pepper and tomato soup and roasted broccoli

Thursday: Springy Shells (i.e. springy whole wheat penne)

Friday: Pizza night

Saturday: Leftovers

I'm excited for Springy Shells night.  I LOOVE The Pioneer Woman.  I don't cook her food that often, despite using her recipes twice this week, because they are often heavy in butter or creams or meat (yum, YUM YUM!!!), but I love the way she writes and her food is fantastic!

Okay, well I'm off to start my pot 'o' beans and play with my baby!  

Spring Cleaning

Spring is in the air, and I'm working feverishly to CLEAN IT OUT!!! The entire Schmandrea household has been SICK, and so has the rest of the world apparently! YUCK! I swear that the phrase "spring cleaning" was coined by a mother of four infectious little toddlers who needed to open the windows and sanitize the hell out of every single item in her house, lest the cycle of sickies start anew in the mild temperatures.

In the spirit of Spring cleaning, I have a few follow-ups from previous blog posts:

1) I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL! I just hope the government doesn't tank in the next two years, because, as it turns out...

2) Education is still expensive;

3) Apparently I'm not having heart palpitations. The cardiologist said that on the "two week" monitor (which I wore for only 5 days because that's when the sensors started to create blisters on my skin) showed no significant anything. What I felt was nothing. This concept is hard to wrap my head around, the "something is nothing" nihilist mantra, mostly when it's applied to something I actually feel in my body. But, I'm going to take it and run with it.

4) Mondays are still untrustable, and so am I when it comes to being strict to goals I decide to start achieving on Mondays. I am no closer to losing any weight, but I'm having fun trying new classes. I've decided to mix it up, and relax my demands on my body a bit. I don't HAVE to run or lose weight (I am at a healthy weight, just not one that any of my clothes fit in). I can get in shape and have fun doing exercises INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO running. For anyone who knows me, you know this is a big step for me to cut myself some slack. So, that's going well. And, well, I can always start my goal again on Monday. Surely there's one of those coming up again soon. ;-)

Other than that, today - also in the spirit of spring cleaning - I'm going to buy some organization tools for my "pantry," so things don't fall on my head when I open the door. Anymore. And I want to buy a key rack for the back entrance of the house. I think I'm going to head to Pier 1 Imports and Target for said items. Wish me luck!

Going for Broke

A friend of mine asked this question in the comment section of my last blog post: WHY was I so broke in college? And, I tell you, friend - guuurrrrllll, we all were (are)!!

In all seriousness, though, this question did pique my interest in the state of the cost of a college education these days. I am in the process of embarking on a new graduate pursuit, which will, no doubt, leave a very serious dent in my wallet for many, many years to come. In addition to the dents my undergraduate and first graduate degrees put in my poor, broke wallet. Therefore, this topic seems pertinent to my life at the moment.

The program I'm looking at costs approximately $61K for the two year MS degree without a specialization, which I will seek (infancy). That will make it roughly another $1600ish since I need two additional specialization classes. Holy shit, that's a lot of money!

Like so many people out there, I already have a significant amount of debt from my previous academic endeavors. Education is expensive (please see rant about this in a future blog post), but one has to consider if the end result (those fancy letters after one's name) will pay off in the long run. Or ever. So, since I plan on adding to this astronomical amount of debt... let's crunch some fairly imaginary numbers!

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, social workers make an average of $43,120 annually. According to the U.S. Department of Education, if I made $43,000 per year, combined with my husbands income (because they include that in calculating your repayment costs, those slimy bastards) I would have a low monthly payment of $1590. If I used the income-contingent plan, that number would look more like $1100. Hot damn.

I went to private schools. Very expensive, private schools. What does education cost at a state school? Let's use my in-laws alma mater, the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign as a comparison.

For U of I, the full four year tuition for an Illinois resident is $127,240. Hmm. I guess I'm not sure where the savings is in going to a state vs. private school. Maybe in the scholarships? Grants? Financial aid? It's a lot to think about, but it seems like saving for my kids' education now is definitely the right thing to do.

ANYWAYS, back to the original question: why was I so broke in college? I don't really think the cost of education is why I was broke in college. As you see I took out a lot of loans and got aid and scholarships, so it wasn't like I was paying out of pocket my college career, like some people do. No, those numbers above is why I'm going to be broke for the next 30 years. I was so broke in college because I was too busy to make a significant income! I studied my ass off, partied off what was left my ass after studying, and I participated in some extra-curricular activities. The money I earned via work-study went to eating out and groceries, mostly, or things like new clothes or alcohol. But, I think it basically boils down to I didn't have money because I didn't make money! Same reason as now. I really wish they paid us stay-at-home-mom's more. Kids are expensive!! Don't even get me started hyper-linking the cost of having and raising kids!!

It is amazing to me the cost of education. My brain is worth A LOT of money!! I'm both flattered and flabbergasted by that fact. There is a lot to think about after writing this and looking into U.S. education expenses, but I have to go play with my baby and fill out my FAFSA. Because if I'm going to afford my education, I need to get more education. It's a vicious cycle.

Oh, to dream

The downside of eloping is not getting a honeymoon. The downside of having a child within the first year of said elopement was not getting a honeymoon. The downside of having a second child within two years of the first, and within three years of the marriage, is, yup, you guessed it, having nothing in my closet that's actually hip to wear after three years of being either pregnant or postpartum! Just kidding, it's not getting a honeymoon. In fact, the only full night I've spent away from either of my kids is when I was in the hospital having the second. To all who are thinking of having or expanding their families - I do NOT recommend this approach. It's kinda making me a little stir crazy.

I have very close family who travel extensively. I become greener and greener with envy with every trip I hear they are taking (up next for one group of family globe-trotters is, I think, Antwerp, Belgium and Spain), and green is not my color. Although I wear it more often than I care to admit. So, I've been "shopping" around and am coloring myself red with an imaginary sunburn from my imaginary honeymoon that I want to take with my very real, very hot husband. Some day.

Want to come? Let's shop around, shall we?!?!? Hyperlink's a-hoy!

Since everything pretty much stresses me out, and this place advertises that they can do all within their powers to make me not stress... I could see myself relaxing here for a week or two.

I don't think I would forgive myself for not considering Fiji, since it is gorgeous and romantic and magical. I'm not sure I could handle the travel it would take to get there (unless I pack the xanax!!) or the distance I'd be away from my kids, but this would be niiiiice otherwise.

I could probably stand it here for at least a few days weeks months.

I realize my honeymoon theme is rather beach-y. It's pretty cold this time of year in Chicago, so I can't help but dream of warmth and sunshine. But, who am I kidding, I would love an endless glass of frozen fruity drink and a pool overlooking the deep blue sea. It gives the illusion of being on the beach without finding sand in your every orifice. Sandy orifices are not very romantic and honeymoon like.

So, on another, more cultured note let's visit Europe. I've always wanted to go to Nice, France or the Greek Islands. I know they are still pretty island centered, but it's different. They're European destinations. Different, see? My husband would love to go to Russia, but Russia doesn't sound very warm right now. I'd have to buy a nice, new warm coat! There could be worse things, ya know. He's really into military history and political powerhouses, historically speaking and would really enjoy going somewhere he can explore that stuff. But, that's his fantasy. Since this is mine, and because it is a fantasy and I don't have to compromise, let's end on this note. Can't really do better than that, now, can ya? I feel relaxed and warm already (and, no, it's NOT the red wine talking, thank you very much). Sigh.

Oh well. Someday we'll have a fantastic honeymoon somewhere perfect. Perhaps we'll rent motorcycles and ride our way through the back roads of Italy, or perhaps we'll find some lovely B&B somewhere along the East coast of the United States and crack crabs and drink beer. Perhaps.

Of course, things could have been different. If we'd have had a "real" wedding, we could have had a honeymoon. But I would not trade a thousand honeymoons to have missed out on THIS kiss:

Green Thumb

Well, I don't so much think I have a green thumb - none of my plants have ever survived me - but I do have a red finger! YEOWCH!! I have this sore, swollen, and SORE (did I mention sore? Because, it's so sore) middle finger tip. I don't know what I did, but whatever I did it got infected. And, it hurts.

Another thing that hurts is hunger. And, all day today I was SO HUNGRY! I'm not sure that this plan is right for me. I am looking to lose the last 10 lbs of baby(s) weight before my youngest daughter's first birthday at the end of June. I'm nursing her still (about 4 times a day, give or take a time or so) so I assume I still need some extra calories to make milk. So when I stuff myself on veggies and fruits and nuts and whole grains all day and stay within my alloted 1480 calories and am STILL hungry, I think it's plain simple that I need more calories than I am "allowed". I don't believe in diets - I believe in good, wholesome nutrition... and when I make every choice count and I'm still wanting to gnaw off my fist, there's got to be a problem. *Sigh*...

Speaking of things that are problematic - this heart monitor is a bit wonky. It's connected to a cell phone which is, more or less, connected to my body... but the cell phone get's crappy coverage at my house. So the phone constantly vibrates telling me that coverage is terrible. Luckily both devices (the actual monitor and the cell phone that receives and then resends the data) collect and save a hefty amount of data, otherwise I'd have to wear this skin-irritating, itchy thing for months. No, thank you. I can't wait for the results, as I have had several "episodes" of maybe-palpitations that should have been recorded so I HAVE to have SOME kind of answer about all of this!

Another thing I can't wait for is my interview at Erikson (where I hope to pursue a Masters of Science in Child Development) on Wednesday! I'm starting to get nervous. Again, I should say - I'm starting to get nervous again. Please, pleasepleaseplease don't let us get another blizzard!! I want to turn this hope for some stimulation into intellectual action!!!

On the stimulation and action front - I went to the gym today for the first time since I was told to go see the cardiologist. I expect to be sore tomorrow, but I am SO glad I can actually move toward my modest goal of running 5K's. I ran, walked and lifted some weights. My muscles feel used in a very, very good way. I've fed them properly, hydrated the bajeezus out of them, and given them proper stimulation for the day. And, now they're tired.

Speaking of tired.... nighty night bloggerino! I gots nothing but love for ya, homie(s)!