A friend in need is a friend in deed...

Such is life... such is me.  I am in need, and so I write.  It's been for-ever.  But, I guess that's the trick of the "good blogger"... having something to say (that people want to read) on a regular basis.  I just don't feel that I do.  But, I digress.  Today's post is utterly selfish.  I want a MAKEOVER!!!

Nicole Balch, an Oak Parker (eh?), an entrepreneur/ home decorator-extraordinaire - and one of my absolute favorite bloggers (Making it Lovely) - is hosting a contest in partnership with American Express to give away lots-o-lots-o points to spend AND a design plan for a "social space" make over.  And, I have THE SPACE for this project!!  She'd design it, and I'd spend the 150,000 points making it happen!!!  Come ooonnnnnnnn lucky 7's!  Or whatever.

I'd love to make-over my "family room"/"kids playroom"/"space with no real purpose" in the basement.  We spend a lot of time there, as it's filled with colorful and loud kids toys, but it's not exactly a "family" room - they own the whole damned basement!  Those little rascals.  The ideal set up for the basement would have logical and definite boundaries between spaces.  *cough* and, no wood paneling *cough*.  There are three spaces right now, but they all blend and intrude on each other's spaces.  Well, the "adult" side - where we parents are allowed our 1 - 2 hours of weekly movie viewing over pizza (eaten on the kids' picnic table) is run over with kids crap toys.  We wouldn't dare intrude on their playroom.  G*d forbid.  That's obvious space #2, the play room.  I like it now, foam mats all over, toys and a wall of gates/couches to indicate where the playroom (should) begin and the rest of the family room begins.  However, toys are everywhere.  At least I know where to put all of them away.  Right?

Then, there's the "whatever you call it" space that is off-center, but basically a thorofare to the "TV room" and "playrooms" and has two pieces of beautiful, antique wood furniture that basically blend into our hideous wood paneling.  *so help me G*d, if I ever met the inventor of the Brady Bunch wood paneling, I'd give him/her a scowl and a "hmpf" and leave their presence all bewildered and out of breath!* Gads.  It's awful.

So, since we spend so much time playing and hanging out in this space, I'd really REALLY love to have it look awesome!!!  So.... Nicole!  Ms. Balch.  Awesome blogstress... PLEASE consider my "family room"/"kids playroom"/"space with no real purpose" as the most worthy of the AE/ MiL makeover!!!  Photos, you ask?  Well... prepare to be blown away!

 Stairwell to the right, laundry straight ahead

 Space with no purpose

 Between space with no purpose and play room - "baby side"

 "Toddler side" of the playroom

"Adult corner"

We don't want to "kick the kids out" of the "Adult Corner" per se... but with our whole lives focused on the raising of these two little beauties, we'd like to have some boundaries and space to call our own...

Wish us luck!!!

If you have nothing nice to say...

In case you were wondering why I haven't written... that's why.  I just haven't had anything positive to add to the world of verbs.  I've been in a funk, like I said before... and it has been a pretty grumpy funk.  I'm still in that funk (I like saying that word... funk.  Funk.  Funkfunkfunkfunk.), but now I have more to say about it than I have in a while, I guess.  Maybe I'm processing.  I dunno.  Or moving forward?

More or less, it boils down to boredom.  I'm ready to do... something.  My baby is nearing a year old, which means that soon she'll be weaned.  Hopefully hubbs and I can go somewhere for a night or two to catch up on some alone time and, well... *blush*... you know... SLEEP.  I've been either pregnant or nursing since Christmas 07.  That's, like, almost three years I've had a little person attached to my body.  That is a beautiful thing, but it kinda means I've been tethered to my house for that long.  In fact, the only night away I spent from my almost three-year-old was when I delivered my almost one-year-old.  I am absolutely ready for some adult time where I can stay up past 10pm and, as I said... SLEEP - all night through, and in past 6am.  I really really REALLY love my kids, but I need a part of my life to not include their needs.

Boredom, to me, means that I need to have some fun, and find something for me that's just my own - a challenge, I suppose.  Thanks to Shannon, I decided that maybe a few goals would be a good way to proceed.  That way, I could see my goal and chart my progress.  My long term goal is another grad degree - that's decided.  I also need something tangible, a goal that I can reach soon and that helps me feel better and more alive.  So, I decided that I wanted to run the Chicago Half Marathon this year, September 11th.  I 2006, I attempted to train and run the Chicago FULL Marathon.  I all but broke my body doing so.  I seriously injured my right hip flexor, caused painful shin splints and was out of the race (or should have been) about half-way through the program.  The longest run I did was 16 miles.  You'd have thunk that someone who had to stop training half way through the summer would not try to run the marathon anyways.  You would think.  But, I did try.  I made it to mile 13 before I about collapsed.  I didn't run again for two years, and then only a little bit.  Now - I'm on a mission.  I failed once.  But, I've reset my goals so something more reasonable (at least to start) and I'm going to finish.  I. Will. Do. It.  It's going to be hard... but I need that hard something fierce.  To do something good for others while I do something good for myself, I decided to train with the Team to End AIDS and raise money for those living with HIV/AIDS in Chicago.  The money goes to practical needs, like housing and medical expenses. If you'd like to donate, click here

Now to figure out how to have some FUN.  I'm tired of the routine and only the routine.  It's making me grumpy.  Just ask my husband.  I don't want to resent my family for being my only realm, if that's the right word,  because I have to work work work and go to bed.  I want to enjoy  life outside of kids and the home, too.  Even if I don't leave the house, if you know what I mean.

What do you do for fun?  Help me round out my need wheel and find out something fun to do... suggestions!?

Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis: any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.


Etc. *Sigh*

I've been in such a bitchy mood lately.  And I've been thinking a lot about why.  You know, in order to snap out of it.  Likely story.  You see, I'm a dweller, and dwellers don't typically "snap out" well.  I'm trying, though.  And, to aid in that "try", I'm going to confess: I don't deal well with change.  And, changes - they are a'comin!

I've decided to go back to school in the Fall.  I've been doing a lot of thinking (mostly about money) and reading (mostly about student loan debt repayment) and I'm just so scared to take on MORE debt in this shitty economy.  Not that my debt load now is light, because it isn't, but it's less than it will be come 2013 when I graduate.  I should be able to get a job then, right?  With TWO masters degrees?  Right?  Right??  Me = marketable? Eh?  Yeah?  Eh?  I just don't feel that I'm qualified to help people right now.  I graduated and got my license (LSW) in 2008... then I had babies and I stayed home - in other words, I've spent two full years not practicing social work.  So, I kind of feel completely inadequate and in need of some further training.  Plus, I've changed what I want to focus on (then = helping people, now = helping pregnant women and babies) and feel I have no clinical experience nor education to work in that field, and I just don't want to go through "on the job training" if it even exists.

Anyways, this decision hasn't decided to sit well with me yet and I'm just all torn up inside.  "Money" tends to be a highly effective, anxiety-provoking, bitch awakening scapegoat for my mind, so that's where my worry sits - I read, I dwell, I read some more, I listen to horror stories about the USDoE garnishing wages and ruining my life.  In short, I worst-case-scenario the bajeezus out the situation and turn sullen and grumpy and, well I think you catch my drift.  Yes, it's true that I'll have a boat load more debt (literally, I could probably buy a snazzy boat with the money I'll spend), but really I think I'm scared of failing.  And scared of disappointing my family - myself, my husband, my kids, the -.  My kids.  I have kids, what the hell am I thinking?  How will this impact my kids?  I'm having anxiety about leaving my then-will-be 14 month old with... with whom???  Daycare?  A home nanny?  Family?  Ummm....???  Also having worries about where to send my toddler to preschool since she doesn't meet the age cut-off for public school preschool. I'm worried about how she'll handle it (because she didn't handle daycare well AT.ALL).  I mean, in the Fall I can't just go and get her and say to hell with daycare!  We'll play together by ourselves! I'll have a very expensive commitment! When/where will I study, how will the house get clean, what will we eat, will I ever get to exercise, will I forget what my husband looks like!?!?  I mean, what if I can't do it?  What if I fail?

I'd like to start and finish this paragraph with the solution I've come up with - the closure, the wrap-up... the moment of enlightenment.  But, I just don't have anything close to those things.  I'm going to school in the fall.  I'm just afraid that I'm making the wrong decision.  Blerg.

Kitchen

I don't have a lot of exciting stuff going on this week (gasp!), so I thought I'd write a bit about what's going on in my kitchen!  I love food blogs.  Loooove them.  I also love cookbooks.  Looooove them, too (and am in the market for some new ones so feel free to dish on your faves or fails).  They are so awesome because they exist so I don't have to create my own food ideas!  I'm an awesome cook - meaning, I can follow a recipe like nobody's business.

Every Friday or Saturday, I sit down with my cookbooks and computer and "research" what I want to make for the week.  So I can go to the grocery store with a plan.  I have a few weekly requirements:

• I will not make the same meal for two weeks in a row, no matter how much my husband likes it and begs for it.  No matter!  
• At least two meals have to be vegetarian.  With vegetables in them.  It helps me to make sure my family and I get proper nutrition.
• All dinners must have at least one side veggie item or have lots of veggies in them (if it's a casserole, for example).
• Three of the four meals must be relatively "quick fix" since dinner making hour is "mad dash" hour in my house.  
• One pasta dish per week maximum.
• I try to make enough so there are lunch left overs for me and the hubbster.  Sine my toddler basically doesn't eat, I don't worry about her leftovers. 
• Speaking of toddler, I try very hard to make meals "toddler friendly," (but she doesn't eat them anyway, so... "pfffttthhh" to her)  
• Make foods that don't upset my husbands abundant food allergies.  

I think that's it for my requirements.  I typically don't cook a ton of ethnic foods, partially because I'm not sure how they taste and partially because who needs a bunch of random ethnic spices in my tiny spice space in my cabinet that I'm not going to use but once a year.  I would like to cook more Indian food, because I loved it when I ate a ton of it in the UK for the year I lived there, but I'm kind of afraid to try.  I also don't cook fish hardly ever, which is also something I'd like to change within the next few months.  

This week, I decided to make the following: 

Monday: Cheeseburgers on whole wheat buns, with Cheddar Cauliflower and potato chips (my toppings were mayo, mustard, ketchup, lettuce, tomato and pickles)

• Note: I think next time I might try to slide in some hidden veggies and see how that turns out.  Hubbs eats veggies, toddler doesn't eat anything, so it's not for the "hiding" factor, per se... but I always like to pack as much as I can get away with while trying to satisfy all of us.  These had onions, salt & pepper, Worcestershire, whole wheat bread crumbs and an egg.  I could probably mince some zucchini  or really grate the hell out of some carrots next time.  Hmmm....

Tuesday: Beans and cornbread (without the bacon, maybe.  Maybe.) with a cucumber salad

Wednesday: Grilled cheese on whole wheat bread, roasted red pepper and tomato soup and roasted broccoli

Thursday: Springy Shells (i.e. springy whole wheat penne)

Friday: Pizza night

Saturday: Leftovers

I'm excited for Springy Shells night.  I LOOVE The Pioneer Woman.  I don't cook her food that often, despite using her recipes twice this week, because they are often heavy in butter or creams or meat (yum, YUM YUM!!!), but I love the way she writes and her food is fantastic!

Okay, well I'm off to start my pot 'o' beans and play with my baby!  

Spring Cleaning

Spring is in the air, and I'm working feverishly to CLEAN IT OUT!!! The entire Schmandrea household has been SICK, and so has the rest of the world apparently! YUCK! I swear that the phrase "spring cleaning" was coined by a mother of four infectious little toddlers who needed to open the windows and sanitize the hell out of every single item in her house, lest the cycle of sickies start anew in the mild temperatures.

In the spirit of Spring cleaning, I have a few follow-ups from previous blog posts:

1) I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL! I just hope the government doesn't tank in the next two years, because, as it turns out...

2) Education is still expensive;

3) Apparently I'm not having heart palpitations. The cardiologist said that on the "two week" monitor (which I wore for only 5 days because that's when the sensors started to create blisters on my skin) showed no significant anything. What I felt was nothing. This concept is hard to wrap my head around, the "something is nothing" nihilist mantra, mostly when it's applied to something I actually feel in my body. But, I'm going to take it and run with it.

4) Mondays are still untrustable, and so am I when it comes to being strict to goals I decide to start achieving on Mondays. I am no closer to losing any weight, but I'm having fun trying new classes. I've decided to mix it up, and relax my demands on my body a bit. I don't HAVE to run or lose weight (I am at a healthy weight, just not one that any of my clothes fit in). I can get in shape and have fun doing exercises INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO running. For anyone who knows me, you know this is a big step for me to cut myself some slack. So, that's going well. And, well, I can always start my goal again on Monday. Surely there's one of those coming up again soon. ;-)

Other than that, today - also in the spirit of spring cleaning - I'm going to buy some organization tools for my "pantry," so things don't fall on my head when I open the door. Anymore. And I want to buy a key rack for the back entrance of the house. I think I'm going to head to Pier 1 Imports and Target for said items. Wish me luck!

Going for Broke

A friend of mine asked this question in the comment section of my last blog post: WHY was I so broke in college? And, I tell you, friend - guuurrrrllll, we all were (are)!!

In all seriousness, though, this question did pique my interest in the state of the cost of a college education these days. I am in the process of embarking on a new graduate pursuit, which will, no doubt, leave a very serious dent in my wallet for many, many years to come. In addition to the dents my undergraduate and first graduate degrees put in my poor, broke wallet. Therefore, this topic seems pertinent to my life at the moment.

The program I'm looking at costs approximately $61K for the two year MS degree without a specialization, which I will seek (infancy). That will make it roughly another $1600ish since I need two additional specialization classes. Holy shit, that's a lot of money!

Like so many people out there, I already have a significant amount of debt from my previous academic endeavors. Education is expensive (please see rant about this in a future blog post), but one has to consider if the end result (those fancy letters after one's name) will pay off in the long run. Or ever. So, since I plan on adding to this astronomical amount of debt... let's crunch some fairly imaginary numbers!

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, social workers make an average of $43,120 annually. According to the U.S. Department of Education, if I made $43,000 per year, combined with my husbands income (because they include that in calculating your repayment costs, those slimy bastards) I would have a low monthly payment of $1590. If I used the income-contingent plan, that number would look more like $1100. Hot damn.

I went to private schools. Very expensive, private schools. What does education cost at a state school? Let's use my in-laws alma mater, the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign as a comparison.

For U of I, the full four year tuition for an Illinois resident is $127,240. Hmm. I guess I'm not sure where the savings is in going to a state vs. private school. Maybe in the scholarships? Grants? Financial aid? It's a lot to think about, but it seems like saving for my kids' education now is definitely the right thing to do.

ANYWAYS, back to the original question: why was I so broke in college? I don't really think the cost of education is why I was broke in college. As you see I took out a lot of loans and got aid and scholarships, so it wasn't like I was paying out of pocket my college career, like some people do. No, those numbers above is why I'm going to be broke for the next 30 years. I was so broke in college because I was too busy to make a significant income! I studied my ass off, partied off what was left my ass after studying, and I participated in some extra-curricular activities. The money I earned via work-study went to eating out and groceries, mostly, or things like new clothes or alcohol. But, I think it basically boils down to I didn't have money because I didn't make money! Same reason as now. I really wish they paid us stay-at-home-mom's more. Kids are expensive!! Don't even get me started hyper-linking the cost of having and raising kids!!

It is amazing to me the cost of education. My brain is worth A LOT of money!! I'm both flattered and flabbergasted by that fact. There is a lot to think about after writing this and looking into U.S. education expenses, but I have to go play with my baby and fill out my FAFSA. Because if I'm going to afford my education, I need to get more education. It's a vicious cycle.

Oh, to dream

The downside of eloping is not getting a honeymoon. The downside of having a child within the first year of said elopement was not getting a honeymoon. The downside of having a second child within two years of the first, and within three years of the marriage, is, yup, you guessed it, having nothing in my closet that's actually hip to wear after three years of being either pregnant or postpartum! Just kidding, it's not getting a honeymoon. In fact, the only full night I've spent away from either of my kids is when I was in the hospital having the second. To all who are thinking of having or expanding their families - I do NOT recommend this approach. It's kinda making me a little stir crazy.

I have very close family who travel extensively. I become greener and greener with envy with every trip I hear they are taking (up next for one group of family globe-trotters is, I think, Antwerp, Belgium and Spain), and green is not my color. Although I wear it more often than I care to admit. So, I've been "shopping" around and am coloring myself red with an imaginary sunburn from my imaginary honeymoon that I want to take with my very real, very hot husband. Some day.

Want to come? Let's shop around, shall we?!?!? Hyperlink's a-hoy!

Since everything pretty much stresses me out, and this place advertises that they can do all within their powers to make me not stress... I could see myself relaxing here for a week or two.

I don't think I would forgive myself for not considering Fiji, since it is gorgeous and romantic and magical. I'm not sure I could handle the travel it would take to get there (unless I pack the xanax!!) or the distance I'd be away from my kids, but this would be niiiiice otherwise.

I could probably stand it here for at least a few days weeks months.

I realize my honeymoon theme is rather beach-y. It's pretty cold this time of year in Chicago, so I can't help but dream of warmth and sunshine. But, who am I kidding, I would love an endless glass of frozen fruity drink and a pool overlooking the deep blue sea. It gives the illusion of being on the beach without finding sand in your every orifice. Sandy orifices are not very romantic and honeymoon like.

So, on another, more cultured note let's visit Europe. I've always wanted to go to Nice, France or the Greek Islands. I know they are still pretty island centered, but it's different. They're European destinations. Different, see? My husband would love to go to Russia, but Russia doesn't sound very warm right now. I'd have to buy a nice, new warm coat! There could be worse things, ya know. He's really into military history and political powerhouses, historically speaking and would really enjoy going somewhere he can explore that stuff. But, that's his fantasy. Since this is mine, and because it is a fantasy and I don't have to compromise, let's end on this note. Can't really do better than that, now, can ya? I feel relaxed and warm already (and, no, it's NOT the red wine talking, thank you very much). Sigh.

Oh well. Someday we'll have a fantastic honeymoon somewhere perfect. Perhaps we'll rent motorcycles and ride our way through the back roads of Italy, or perhaps we'll find some lovely B&B somewhere along the East coast of the United States and crack crabs and drink beer. Perhaps.

Of course, things could have been different. If we'd have had a "real" wedding, we could have had a honeymoon. But I would not trade a thousand honeymoons to have missed out on THIS kiss:

Green Thumb

Well, I don't so much think I have a green thumb - none of my plants have ever survived me - but I do have a red finger! YEOWCH!! I have this sore, swollen, and SORE (did I mention sore? Because, it's so sore) middle finger tip. I don't know what I did, but whatever I did it got infected. And, it hurts.

Another thing that hurts is hunger. And, all day today I was SO HUNGRY! I'm not sure that this plan is right for me. I am looking to lose the last 10 lbs of baby(s) weight before my youngest daughter's first birthday at the end of June. I'm nursing her still (about 4 times a day, give or take a time or so) so I assume I still need some extra calories to make milk. So when I stuff myself on veggies and fruits and nuts and whole grains all day and stay within my alloted 1480 calories and am STILL hungry, I think it's plain simple that I need more calories than I am "allowed". I don't believe in diets - I believe in good, wholesome nutrition... and when I make every choice count and I'm still wanting to gnaw off my fist, there's got to be a problem. *Sigh*...

Speaking of things that are problematic - this heart monitor is a bit wonky. It's connected to a cell phone which is, more or less, connected to my body... but the cell phone get's crappy coverage at my house. So the phone constantly vibrates telling me that coverage is terrible. Luckily both devices (the actual monitor and the cell phone that receives and then resends the data) collect and save a hefty amount of data, otherwise I'd have to wear this skin-irritating, itchy thing for months. No, thank you. I can't wait for the results, as I have had several "episodes" of maybe-palpitations that should have been recorded so I HAVE to have SOME kind of answer about all of this!

Another thing I can't wait for is my interview at Erikson (where I hope to pursue a Masters of Science in Child Development) on Wednesday! I'm starting to get nervous. Again, I should say - I'm starting to get nervous again. Please, pleasepleaseplease don't let us get another blizzard!! I want to turn this hope for some stimulation into intellectual action!!!

On the stimulation and action front - I went to the gym today for the first time since I was told to go see the cardiologist. I expect to be sore tomorrow, but I am SO glad I can actually move toward my modest goal of running 5K's. I ran, walked and lifted some weights. My muscles feel used in a very, very good way. I've fed them properly, hydrated the bajeezus out of them, and given them proper stimulation for the day. And, now they're tired.

Speaking of tired.... nighty night bloggerino! I gots nothing but love for ya, homie(s)!

Monday, Monday.

Can't trust that day.

Well, the cardiologist didn't have anything to tell me this week other than I should get a two week event monitor because the echocardiogram and the stress test were "normal" and the Holter monitor was "essentially normal". I have the automatic kind, which transmits a constant stream of heart data to a cell phone that I have to keep within 10 feet of my body. The phone transmits to a center somewhere the entire time I wear it. So, nothing is required of me other than putting it on properly, and mailing it back when I'm done. No fuss, no muss.

So, since the echo and stress tests came back a-okay, I'm allowed to exercise again! Hallelujah! I was almost through the entire Couch to 5K running program I started, so I intend to back track a bunch of weeks and get back on the wagon. Starting Monday.

I have never done well with things that "start on Monday." I do less well with New Year's resolutions, and this tied into my NYR for 2011 - to lose 11 pounds by June 22nd, the day my youngest - and last - daughter turns one. I think I still have, oh, about 11 pounds to go on that one. So, I better get to it. Starting Monday.

Hopefully the only reason you'll find me crying is from the pain in my legs from running.

Frustration Station

I have a toddler. Enough said, right?? Holy frustration, Batman! Well, she has just started in on the "defiant stage" and I'm not sure how to deal with the frustration that comes from it internally so that I can be a helpful instructor on appropriate behavior externally. It's my job to guide her towards age-appropriate ways to vent her energy, be it artistic, social, emotional, etc. It is also my job - and number one priority after making her feel loved - to keep her SAFE. But when it's just not my day and logistics go wrong, and then that bad day get's compounded by her excited energy and lack of interest in the activity I take us to and even further compounded by her baby sister's very vocal needs for food and diaper changes and general distaste for not being allowed to eat paint drenched paint brushes - I find myself counting to about 1,000 while my eyes try to roll themselves deep into the back of my head.

Luckily, today this all happened close enough to lunch and nap time that I could "fake it til I make it" a bit, get them in bed, and sigh a deep sigh of relief that it was all over for the time being. But, this raises a question, and that is - what are you going to do to not go through this again? I wonder what kind of relaxation techniques can I find to use in the middle of a hectic, wrong-place/wrong-time toddler tantrum-rific morning - in public, with both kids in toe, flying solo as parent in a room full of strangers? I'd like to figure out a way to act with more grace instead of acting like an overwhelmed mom who can't control her child. First of all, let me just say to my daughter: HELLO, Little Miss Defiant!! Where in the HECK did you come from!? You were not here a day or so ago. Next, I need a solution. Something to keep her safe when life get's flustrating. She just can't go running away from me. I would consider a toddler harness, but truth be told she wouldn't have had it on in this environment anyway, so it would have been ineffective. We can't just not go places, because that's far too extreme a consequence for either of us. Plus, it's not like she wanted to run away FROM me - she wanted to run TO the fish tank in the other room while I was on the floor changing her sister's poopy diaper far out of eyesight and ear shot. Sigh. I need something that makes her realize that I need for us to stick together and focus for a minute. Perhaps some kind of "I'mnotkiddingcomehererightnowyou'reintroublemissydoyouwantatimeout" code word could be established? Something that wouldn't be embarrassing for either of us and that wouldn't leave me to act fast in order to care for the infant and chase after a toddler in a library - or what could be even scarier, Navy freaking Pier or a mall. I shudder.

I do realize that this is ambitious, and I think I'll have to work out a way to practice this and a way to explain that, "if mommy says THIS word, the world must be put on hold and we have to reconvene". Maybe she'll feel empowered by having her own code word that she can use to tell me "Mommy! Drop the laundry basket. I need you now." That could help me, too, come to think of it. A code word. What word? "Lillian" has no effect on her. Go figure. I'll have to think on this a bit... I'll report back.

This isn't such a bad idea in other aspects of (my) life, ya know. I wonder if I can give myself a code word when anxiety get's the better of me and I need to snap back into reality. Or, if anger get's the better of me and I'm making more work for myself by being stubborn than by apologizing or just letting "it" go. Or, or, or... I think I may be on to something.

What are the tricks you carry up your sleeve, blog? Show me.

Heart of hearts

Since Valentine's Day tomorrow, why not talk about hearts. Well, A heart. My heart.

In June 2010, I had my second baby and I've been having heart palpitations very lately, which might or might not be a medical "big deal" but are really unnerving. After I had my first child in September 2008, I developed a condition called postpartum thyroiditis. It apparently can cause palpitations. After two "normal" EKG's, the doctor treated me with beta blockers to control the palpitations until the thyroid condition fixed itself and sent me on my way. Over the course of a few months, I seemed to get better and I weaned myself off of the meds and that was that.

A few months ago, I had a ginormous panic attack and started getting heart palpitations again. I went to the doctor and was prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, which made me NUTS-O, and had an EKG that came back with a "non-specific" abnormality. They also took blood to test my thyroid and other stuff, which all came back "normal". So, not postpartum thyroiditis again. Because of the abnormal EKG, I was sent to a cardiologist.

At the initial appointment I had another EKG, which came back normal. She decided to send me to get a stress test, an echocardiogram and to wear a 24-hour Holter monitor. And, now I wait for answers or for "peace of mind," to use the cardiologist's words. I think that given my history, that will be hard to come by. (Yes, I know you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, but I HAVE to. Nothing else fits).

I'll try to make a long story short and say, my dad died from "sudden cardiac syndrome" when he was 36 and my brother and I were 12 and 10, respectively. And, so, I get palpitations and it scares the bajeezus out of me. I have two babies for whom I need to live (!). I am not sure how I will get peace of mind out of these test results, because there will always be the "what if xy or z" factor. I can Google myself silly and I can hyperlink the hell out of you, but that doesn't change the fact that this horrible event in my life impacted me so severely that I now not only have heart palpitations, but have an undying paranoia about dropping dead.

I hope I get something out of the follow-up appointment I have this week. I hope I have something that showed up on one of the tests that she can point her finger at and say, "that's not going to hurt you." And, while she's at it, I hope her crystal ball is shiny enough to tell me I'll be around long enough that I'll complain that I'll never be able to pay off my daughters' weddings and student loans. Or my own student loans, because I'll have those for a long-ass time as well.

New Friends

Disclaimer: my husband is my best friend. I like him a lot. We're cool like dat. He gets me/I get him. We tight. He's the jam in my donut (or, more precisely the chocolate cream fill to my donut), the yin to my yang, the holy to my canoli. Yadda yadda yadda. Lacking a true BFF is not what this post is about.

Now, I proceed:

I used to have friends. Like, REAL friends. The kind who have seen you go through puberty; the kind you cry over unrequited, thirteen year old mad-style-head-over-heels-(ahem, puppy)-love; like the kind who defend you even if you're wrong; like the kind who critiqued my every, gnarly fashion mistake and molded me into a diva-fied goddess, even if only for one night out on the town. There are many days when I really, really miss those friends. Even if they were from Indiana. Birds of a feather, you know?

Then in college I had real friends, too! A whole new breed of them... Fun, amazing and amazingly independent and supremely individual - not to mention wicked smart - women. (Sorry if I offended any of you friggin sweet feminists by calling you "women". Delete and reinsert your own adjective as you will). I had a few guy friends, too, but, really, I finally bonded with some serious, driven - in completely radical and fantastical directions - women.

Now, I almost feel like a deserter, a traitor, a real Benedict Arnold. I might have become some kind of semblance of what I always said I'd never be (i.e. the kind of girl who drops everything for her guy and drops off the face of the planet only to resurface somewhere east of Stepford - where they aren't gorgeous and perfect). Only, I'm guessing that any of these righteous babes would probably have been able to tell you that I would, in fact, drop off the side of the Earth when I met a beau. I'm just single minded like that, I suppose, and I was always looking for love. In my defense, my husband is really REALLY cute! But fast-forward three or four years and now I want my life back. The fun, social part with a few minor adjustments (like, two kids, a husband, two dogs and a house on the border of two suburbs) - I'm not looking for the wild, let yoself be free and let come what may kind of nights. But as I try to recreate a friend base I find myself tripping over stumbling blocks. As you'd expect, things have changed. The friends have stayed cool and interesting and interested in cool things. And, well, I've dropped off the planet into the abyss of diapers and Sesame Street characters, only to resurface fluent in Sesame-ease. And, Backyardigan-ease, and, Kipper-ease, and, Caillou-ease, and Pingu-ease. Shoot me. I honestly don't know if I have anything of substance to offer them right now.

It's not that they don't want to hang around me - the truth is I'm sure that most of them would love to see me, but I feel really awkward and have to, lamely, stick close to home. Which is not really close to anyone else's home. Plus, my mouth rarely utters a word that doesn't have to do with babies, toddlers, sleep, poop/pee or food and chores. And, what person wants to talk about that crap. Cuz, I know I don't. So I kind of feel stuck between a rock and a hard place: get cool and brush up on awesome shiz and cool blogs, or meet new friends with interests and lifestyles similar to my own. I've decided to try and do both.

I've met a few new coolio mom's within the past six months, though we're pretty far away in travel time and have different kid/nap schedules. One friend moved away and I MISS YOU. Erm, I mean and I miss her. =) I've joined a Meetup.com and MOM's club around my area to find more local people. Oh, and I think I've made a friend in my neighbor, who's going to have a baby right around the time my youngest turns one. I can't wait to meet him!! I love little babies! I like all these folks a whole lot, so I'm thinking that this is a "where there's a will there's a way" crowd and that we'll be hanging out more as the STUPID WEATHER gets better.

That's all for now, as I have to go join my BFF in sorting our paperwork so we can file our taxes. So we can be, like, rich and stuff.

Planning for the next phase

I'm in the throes of a "next-phase-in-life" crisis. I tend to have these periods of profound introspection, which, thankfully, tend to propel me forward in a positive direction. The process can be painstaking - piecing together interests with possibilities, testing waters and retreating or moving forward. At the moment, I am working out what to do with my life after weaning my 7.5 month old baby.

See, it started like this:

I started a graduate program and met my husband that same year. We got married and then pregnant by the time I graduated two years later. I earned a masters degree in social work (an AM for those who want to be technical, dang U of C pretentiousness), and passed my licensing exam a few months later. I graduated 7 months pregnant and we decided that I would stay home for at least the first year of the baby's life. I had a job where I was able to work from home as the managing editor for a social work journal focusing on issues related to children for a while, and once Lillian turned one I got a part-time job working in Student Affairs at my undergraduate college. I got pregnant again with Amelia and we moved into our house, which is not close to the school I was working at, so I quit my job there and started over with the stay at home mom gig. She's now almost 8 months old, so it's time for me to start looking for my next endeavor.

I love this job. I am the luckiest person in the world to have my two girls. They are hilarious, beautiful, silly, incredibly diligent at working on their developmental tasks and so, so forgiving. Being home with them has humbled me, surprised me, intrigued me, made me appreciate the small things, allowed me to be silly and reignited my sense of wonder and imagination. Part of me could do this job until they graduate high school. However, I do have that master's degree (and the student loan debt to prove it) and a LOT to offer this world. I'm also going a little bit stir crazy and would love something intellectually stimulating to spend some of my time on - something that does not revolve around food preparation, laundry, poop or other bodily fluids and household chores.

So, my quandary became: now that I've grown up, what do I want to do with my life? Do I want to be a social worker? If so, doing what? If not, then what? I sat for many nights thinking about the last three years of my life and what I've come to understand about myself and what I've learned in general. First thing I can say is that we are done having kids. No more "one year" at home, nursing my baby, establishing healthy attachment, being privileged enough to help them with their developmental milestones, and witness their "firsts" (man, I love this job). It's time for me to move outside of the house a little bit and broaden my horizons. Second, I don't feel like I can just step back in to my role in social work that I left (I was a therapist/intern) without some kind of retraining. In general, I feel unprepared to walk into an agency and ask for a job with any confidence that I could actually help people. Third, I discovered that I want to work with a population that I have no real, formal training working with - babies/children and at-risk and/or young mothers. Imagine that.

After having my first child, Lillian, I suffered terribly. I became obsessive with certain behaviors (I washed my hands until they bled), introverted (wouldn't let people hold her, wouldn't really go anywhere) and I was very, very paranoid. I was crying all the time, my health was bad (I had postpartum thyroiditis, which gave me heart palpitations and made me lose lots of weight fast and feel like everything was spinning), and then, to top it all off, I reinjured what I now know to be two bulging discs in my lumbar spine, rendering me physically incompetent for months and months and months. I was depressed and in severe pain for a very long time. I worked very hard to pull myself back to reality, and did a damned good job of it with the help of my husband and family. I then had my second baby girl, and yet AGAIN reinjured those discs in my spine, and was even more incapacitated having a toddler, a newborn and this severe injury. Luckily, I healed relatively quickly, but there is NO WAY I would have made it through without my amazing husband, awesome mother and equally awesome in-laws. It was about this time I got to thinking - what the heck do people do without this kind of support?? What about mother's who are single, drug addicted, ostracized, dejected, incarcerated, or otherwise unavailable and without resources? I also then understood how desperate, unsupported and uneducated mother's choose to hurt their children. I developed empathy and deep compassion for women without resources. This job is HARD. You have to be utterly unselfish, and "on" at all times. You have to meet the needs of these tiny little babies who can't tell you what they want or need. Some never stop crying, some never sleep, some don't eat well, some cry for no apparent reason. Even the "best" babies need to eat very often at the beginning, leaving the parent(s) to subsist on little sleep and depleted strength. Add these factors to a woman who is playing the game with the cards already stacked against her, and the child or children become very at risk for neglect, abuse or both.

So, I did some research to see how I can get in touch with this population to intervene before babies get hurt, and to provide some support and resources for these mothers. I discovered one fascinating new project that really got my heart racing! Cook County has a new center for pregnant women within their women's jail. If you read this website, you'll get a glimpse of how difficult life is when you're a pregnant woman in prison. The women are non-violent offenders, and could probably use some support and education, don't ya think? I. Want. To. Work. There. or in some program like it.

This got me thinking that I can use my social work degree to work with the women - listen, build relationships, help boost confidence, self-esteem and self-efficacy, and help with life and work skills. But, with my education as it stands I can't help them understand the development of their babies and how to meet their needs without knowing more about child development myself. Thus, I have decided that I need more schooling to support my interests. Without a deep understanding of how babies develop, I can't help the mothers understand how to use their own resources (or how to find them if they're lacking).

I've applied to the Erikson Institute for an M.S. in Child Development. I've chosen this place because it's a natural fit for me, as they are the leader in educating practitioners in the field (child development is ALL they do), and they believe that a person is intrinsically linked to their environment - family, biology, community, etc. Therefore, they take a sort of holistic approach to the discipline, and that's exactly what I'm looking for in a graduate program. The program also doesn't start until the fall, which means that Amelia will be 15 or so months old and, therefore, weaned! That means I don't have to be within an hour of her next feeding! And they're local. Bonus!

I have an interview on February 23rd. I'm SO excited!

I think this post has been helpful for me because I was able to write down a lot of my thoughts, so I can see them. It helps me to understand what I want if I can write it down clearly. As long as this post is, it has really trimmed my own thoughts down a great deal. Yay!!

Where to begin?

I signed up for this blog in November 2009. Would you believe that I've spent the last year and some change wondering how the heck to start a first post? It's totally true. I've thought to myself, "I've had a long life - where do I begin?" I wonder, do I jump right into where I am now? Do I start with a bit of history? Or, should I begin with a poem or a quote or an aimless musing or some deep philosophical query? Or, ... something? I dunno. I don't even know what a blog is supposed to be, but I have sternly decided that I'm not going to do any sort of Google search to find out.

Since it's tax season, I'll begin with some of the things I'd like to spend (or blow) some money on. First, and foremost, we're paying off our vet bill from December when our fat dog ate part of his frisbee and needed surgery to get it dislodged from his intestines. Damned dog. He's lucky he's so cute and that we love him dearly or he'd be glue right now. Then, I would like a bed (frame - I have the mattress). Specifically, I want this bed:

It's from Room and Board - the "Piper Stainless Steel Bed". It's beautiful.

After that we'd like to set aside one year's worth of annual fees (life insurance premiums, license plate renewals, city parking sticker, etc.) so that they don't hit us throughout the year, when no matter how well you save and plan a big bill is always a surprising pain in the ass. We'd also like to do a few small things around the house before heading into another big project - like FINISH some projects in progress: new doorknobs/doorstops throughout, window treatments for our bedroom (combined with the bed this would finish our room!) and the kitchen, and ELFA (the worlds BEST closet organization system) for the pantry and bathroom closet. Anywhoo, the "I want to buy" list could go on forever, but this will be the sample that I share with you, blog. You needn't know everything about me. It's only our first date.

Since I have kids who will undoubtedly rise and shine me at 5:00 am, I must sign off and hit the sack. So, goodnight blog! Sleep tight, blog.